TJ Maxx Rant #2

"Hi, how are you today"

(evil glare)
"Would you like to-"
"NO"
"Apply to for a TJX"
"NO"
"Rewards Credit Card and save 10%-"
"NO"
"Off your purchase today?"
(shit_eating_grin.jpg)

Are you fucking kidding me? Do you understand that it's my job to ask every single customer? Yes, even if they have a return. You don't need to interrupt me. Let me finish my fucking sentence. I'm going to ask you the full question whether you want to hear it or not, even if it is just to piss you off.

Next time you say something I'm going to yell SHIT EATING CUNTS every half-second to get you to stop. It's not going to kill you to listen to my question, and for you to just say no. I don't think my voice is that grating on your soul. I don't think you'll suddenly become deaf, or die, or be affected in any negative sort of way by me finishing my question. Oh, you've been asked a million times before? Guess what, I'm going to ask you again. If you have such a problem with it, you shouldn't be coming back in the store.

And the only way this whole situation can get better, and by better I mean 20 million times worse, is when we have a promotion for some sort of charity like Save the Children or for some random disease like jaundice or Hepatitis A. So, not only do we have to ask a customer if they would like to apply for a credit card, we then have to ask them if they would like to donate a dollar to (insert name here).

You think where it's a charity people would be more considerate. You would think that. At TJ Maxx all the basic laws of nature, physics and humanity do not apply when you are checking out at a register.

Sometimes you will get a person that says 'sure' and donates a dollar, signs the little star/heart and goes along on their merry way. Maybe they get some sort of self-esteem boost or an erection or something knowing that they donated to a worthy cause.

Some people will say no, and then say nothing else, the transaction goes as normal, and everyone moves on with their lives.

(AS I WRITE THIS, DANE COOK IS DOING HIS 15 CENTS SKIT FROM ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES, FUCKING RELEVANT TO THE SITUATION)
(10:25 PM, 1/13/09)

If I ask you if you would like to donate, and you say no, that's all you need to say. What you don't need to say:

'No, I already donate to other charities and other causes, listen to me as I rant on and on about some random shit that you don't even care about"

OK, thank you for wasting 3 minutes of everyone's time John D. Rockefeller Jr. You're such a fucking philanthropist. God knows where those charities would be if you didn't donate 32 cents to fucking Jerry's Kids. It doesn't make you better than any of the rest of us. Rockefeller gave 10% of every one of his paychecks to churches, and built a fucking college in Chicago, just for the fucking hell of it. And he lived during the Great Depression, you faggot.

Picture fucking related, he would have fucking donated to the High Hopes Fund to support diabetes research, and he would have signed his little star with a pen filled with solid gold ink, right before taking off on his rocketship that runs on fucking ears of corn to fly back to his home planet where he would fuck Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, at the same time.

Fuck, I think I took the whole Rockefeller thing too far. Oh well...

Right now were are doing a promotion for the High Hopes Fund which goes towards diabetes research. It's a pretty good cause because 70% of TJ Maxx shoppers are fat women that probably have diabetes. So, I ask every customer, "Would you like to donate $1 to help support diabetes research". Except one time there was a time where I accidentally said autism instead of diabetes. I realized my mistake and told them that it was diabetes instead of autism. They pretty much were like, WHAT, FUCK THIS, I'M DONATING TO THAT. And then they didn't donate anything.

I don't have a problem when you say no to donating a dollar. What you don't need to say is "No, you shouldn't be asking people for that" and then grab a whole bunch of the paper hearts and rip them in half. Once again you have to realize that it's our job to ask every single person.

Also, you don't have to lie. Like when it's the first day of the promotion and you said that you donated at this store yesterday, even though we weren't accepting donations yesterday.

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE, IT'S A YES OR NO QUESTION. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT.

Probably the worst customer I ever had, was this random old guy that was buying like, a wallet and some boxer shorts. And I asked him if he would like to donate, and he said and I quote:

"What's the point, we have pills that can keep a guy's pecker hard but we can't cure a disease that matters like Autism. This world is unbelievable."

I didn't even dignify that question with a response, probably because anything I would have said would have been detrimental to the situation. It was one of those awkward moments where you can think of so many sarcastic and bad things to say, but you end up saying nothing and then have to write in a blog or a journal. If I could relate this experience to something else I would probably say it felt like I was being molested. Like that guy was dragging his small, limp pecker across my chest as I sat there in fear.

Oh yeah, he ended up donating a dollar too. What the fuck.