Let's talk about summer movies. I've seen every movie that matters so far that has come out this summer, and now it is time for me to pass my final verdict, and my thoughts on some upcoming movies.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
As soon as this movie started, I realized something. I have never really been a huge fan of X-Men comics or cartoons, just the arcade game. Fuck that game is the best fucking game ever. You think with all these advances in technology someone would be able to make it so we can play the X-Men game on MAME with other people. Same goes for the Genesis Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games. I figured I would not have to know much about X-Men since this movie was just about the origins of Wolverine, hence the goddamn fucking title. And I was right, sort of. I knew that Wolverine fought in like the Civil War, WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Desert Storm, Iraq, and the opening sequence to me was probably the most interesting part of the movie. It was like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button but backwards with 97% less Brad Pitt as an old man fucking a very ugly woman. It was a pretty average movie compared to any other superhero movie with some decent special effects. I've only seen the 3rd X-Men movie, fuck me I guess.
My only real complaint is the casting of Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson/Deadpool. When he showed up I was like "Wait a fucking second, is that Ryan Reynolds? Get the fuck out of here, Dane Cook, you don't belong in this movie." I don't know about you or anyone else, but I will never think of Ryan Reynolds as a serious actor. He even ruined the cool spinning swords scene by saying something gay at the end. "LOOK AT ME GUYS I'M SHOWING DISRESPECT TO PEOPLE I'M SO EDGY AND FUNNY" At least at the end they sewed his mouth shut and then cut his head off. Shit was so cash. It was even better than when they killed off Will i Am's character because I wasn't able to make a Boom Boom Pow reference because the song wasn't relevant yet. THEM CHICKENS' JOCKIN' MY STYLE. SHITTIN ON Y'ALL WITH THE BOOM BOOM. LET THE BEAT RAAAAAAAAAAAAWK.
Ryan Reynolds is not a serious actor and you should not treat him as such
If there is one thing that I know even less about than X-Men, it's Star Trek. I get Kirk/Picard/Khan confused with Spock, Vulcans and Klingons. So, much like X-Men Origins, I figured this movie would explain what the fuck the point of Star Trek is. What I got was more Leonard Nimoy than I expected, LOST-esque time travel with no smoke monsters but just as confusing, and Chris Pine being a totally hot badass. Also, emo Spock. BAWWW MY FATHER IS VULCAN AND MOTHER IS HUMAN, I GET PICKED ON FOR IT AND I HAVE PROBLEMS CONTROLLING MY EMOTIONS. Replace vulcan with black and human with Muslim and you have the complete life story of Barack Obama with Metroid Prime visuals. Also, there was one point when there was a naked chick with green skin and I might have popped a boner, maybe not a full-on hard-on (lol wat) but like halfway. Don't judge me. Lady Gaga is hot and completely irrevlevant to Star Trek UNTIL NOW. P-P-P-P-P-POKER FACE
What is this hand gesture supposed to even mean?Terminator Salvation
The first two Terminator movies were a pretty cool guy, eh defined Arnold Schwarzenegger and doesn't afraid of anything. It took me 30 seconds to figure out how the fuck to spell Schwarzenegger. The third Terminator movie sucked so hard Skynet actually sent a Terminator back in time to the year 2003 to destroy it. The 4th movie included Batman as John Connor yelling at everyone and everything, and it was pretty good. Well, at least the action sequences were good, along with a CG Arnold cameo. The whole AM I MACHINE OR HUMAN scenario made me think of that really shitty Killers song and was overall offensive to my superior and refined tastes. Also, Kyle Reese in this movie is also Chekov in the Star Trek Movie. Also, Fight Club woman is in Terminator Salvation too. Fight Club woman is also Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter movies. Mind is fucking blown.
The Hangover
This movie is supposivedly being hailed as 'better than Superbad' and as I type this it is apparently #1 in the box office, God wills it. The movie is pretty funny, but it's not better than Superbad. I was sold on the movie as soon as I saw Tyson fucking drumming to Phil Collins (click the link for massive LULZ, fuck year, DMX) Shit still geeks me out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. There are some memorable quotes but not more than Superbad. Ed Helms could probably play a better Deadpool than Ryan Reynolds, and his tiger piano song was epic. Zach Galanfiankis plays a pretty good person with mental problems, and he 'never goes full-retard.' But I totally didn't need to see him getting sucked off in the pictures featured in the credits. I mean if he was good looking I could probably understand but goddamn that was just nasty.
This is now my desktop wallpaper on my laptop. The actual ytmnd has epic musicThese are the movies that I still want to see.
-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (fuck year, Megan Fox)
-Bruno (should be as good as Borat)
-Public Enemies (more Batman yelling at people with tommy guns and fedoras)
-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (don't judge me you faggot, you read the books too)
-Toy Story 3 (fuck year, nostalgia, fuck no, 2010)
On a side note, what the fuck is going on with this GI Joe movie? The scene in the trailer with the dudes doing flips over missles in traffic made me upset. The only thing that quells my fears is some delicious Megan Fox.
I don't have any more sexual innuendos I can think of. It's 2am give me a fuckin break.
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