JACK WHITE, Y U NO STRIPES NO MORE

Yeah, I was upset that The White Stripes had 'officially' broken up.

I had pretty much assumed they were done after they canceled that tour all the way back in 2007, and that they were being magnificent cockteases by giving us 'Under Great White Northern Lights' (which was amazing and already covered here) and then Jack started dropping subtle hints about the band and a reunion, and then this crazy record player set. And then Jack was on the 1st episode of Conan. So then it was just a matter of time until we saw 'White Stripes enter studio for the 1st time in 4 years' and millions around the world shit their pants simultaneously. I was still skeptical though. I didn't believe

And it turns out that I was right. And that never happens.
My lack of faith was rewarded in the worst possible way

A Rustybro pointed me in the direction of this IGN article, (because IGN is known for their music, right?). And my instincts told me that upon reading was that I was going to be offended in such a way that the only situation I could compare it to was if someone raped my grandmother.

And it turns out that I was right, again.
Good things never happen when I'm right twice in a row

My initial reaction to the article was: RADIO SINGLES, RADIO SINGLES EVERYWHERE. And then there was a Joss Stone reference halfway through the article and that was the point where I said FUCK EVERYTHING.

It was pretty much like IGN (who is now a person for this analogy) opened iTunes, went to (Artist Essentials -> White Stripes) and then copied the list and then pasted it. On a side note, the iTunes artist essentials had Raconteurs songs in the White Stripes section, I lol'd. Then IGN was like, how can I add 'cred' to this list? I KNOW, I'LL ADD A B-SIDE OR 2 THAT I LOOKED UP ON THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE. AND MAYBE A SONG THAT ISN'T A SINGLE, THAT WILL BLOW. THEIR. FUCKING. MINDS. Lucky for IGN, Hand Springs is actually pretty epic, so this is why I am not going as hard as I usually would at a time like this. Although, adding the first two songs from the first album then making the list into a bunch of singles isn't really convincing, that's just a way of fueling a shitstorm in the fanbases of these bands.

So, in order to repent for IGN's sins, I will now attempt to present my own version of an article where I tell you what White Stripes songs you should listen to. Because my opinion is still valid right?

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
A few things you should now before continuing on

So, in case you're just joining us in the White Stripes circlejerk,


Jack White - guitar + vocals + every other fucking instrument you can think of

Meg White - drums/percussion + occasional vocals + huge tits + butterface

The band started in Detroit. They lived in Detroit. The Motor City, you probably know about Detroit now because of that fucking Super Bowl Commercial where they play Eminem's horribly overplayed 'Lose Yourself' and everyone jizzed themselves about it and heralded the commercial as a work of art. It's a fucking commercial, don't post a youtube video of it on Twitter or Facebook. don't be a fucking idiot.

They have the same last name, but they are not brother and sister, no matter what they say. They were married, Jack took her last name, they divorced before the band got really famous because they wanted to be taken more seriously than just being a couple that makes sweet, sweet musical love. Why they kept insisting they were brother and sister, we will never know, maybe it made the foreplay interesting, I'm not Sigmund Freud, I'm not going to analyze any further.

Moving on, the sound is like an schizophrenic orgy of blues and punk, sometimes it's noise fueled by overdrive, whammy pedals, and non-sequitur, and sometimes we're delving in to a softer, more piano driven and emotional feel. Some times Jack wakes up and he's like, 'Man, I want to be blues', and then he's blues. Other days he's like, 'Naw guy, I'm just going to be Zeppelin.' Then later he's creating sappy childhood love songs. This nigga can't be stopped.

There are two rules as well:
1.) Almost every WS album has a song title that begins with 'Little'. Those songs, for some reason, usually end up being amazing. Little Cream Soda and Little Acorns are the best representatives for this theory, in my opinion.

2.) Any song that the title ends with 'Blues' is also automatically amazing. That doesn't even just apply to White Stripes, pretty much goes for any band ever. PROVE ME WRONG.

That's all you need to know. At this point if you haven't at least heard Seven Nation Army at least once in your lifetime, you're either underage, or live under a fucking rock where the only music you listen to is Top 40. And you listen to Kiss 108 because you like variety in your music. My favorite songs are: Random Interchangeable Rhianna song, Random Interchangeable Katy Perry song, Random Interchangeable Taylor Swift song. Fuck you, I hope you die.

So, moving on, starting with their latest album (I already covered Under Great White Northern Lights here). Songs in the track listing that have a * next to them are highly recommended by yours truly.

ICKY THUMP

Icky Thump is easily one of my favorite albums of all time. Whenever I think of or listen to Icky Thump, I imagine this:

'I live in a small, quiet Texan town on the Mexican border. Working in an oil field by day, and at night, coping with my average, crushing and depressing life and reflecting on loves come and gone with my good friends: tequila, beer, and guitar. Sometimes I get really drunk and venture to whorehouses in Mexico and shit gets real. Then one day, I meet a girl with dark red hair and a nice ass at a bar one night. We play to hard to get with each other, but eventually we hook up begin a relationship. We get into some crazy situations like pretending to be homeless people to get stuff to furnish my apartment and crashing a strange Scottish wedding and tripping balls after eating haggis that, even to this day, insist it was laced with PCP. But this relationship, like any other relationship ever, has its shares of problems. We both have money problems, and we both harbor deep-seeded insecurities within ourselves that cause us to question each other when things get tough. Obviously, the relationship doesn't last, but that's nothing that another wacky trip to Mexico, bar fights, and a near-death experience involving a pack of coyotes won't fix. Afterward, I stop to reflect on yet another girl lost and what went wrong, and then the sequence starts all over again.'

Fuck that's awesome. If you don't have a record that transports to some sort of fantasy land like that, then you're doing music wrong my friend, you're just doing it wrong.

So yeah, Icky Thump, pretty much summed in up in what I would call the greatest analogy I've ever written in my fucking life.

TRACK LISTING
-Icky Thump*

-You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)
-300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues*
-Conquest*
-Bone Broke*
-Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn
-St. Andrew (This Battle Is In The Air)
-Little Cream Soda*
-Rag and Bone
-I'm Slowly Turning Into You*
-A Martyr For My Love For You*
-Catch Hell Blues*
-Effect And Cause

First off, any time I hear the opening organ solo for 'Icky Thump' I get an instantaneous boner. When you hear that sound, you know that shit is getting real real, right now. If I was a professional athlete, that would be my entrance music, and opposing teams would shit their shorts in fear. It has everything a 'good' song should have. A thunderous bass drum. Dirty riffs mixed with organ solos. Gripping social commentary.

White Americans, What?/Nothing better to do?/Why don't you kick yourself out?/You're an immigrant too/ Who's using who?/What should we do?/Well you can't be a pimp/And a prostitute too

If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone put that as a Facebook status I would have 15 fucking cents. But I won't let Facebook ruin one of my favorite songs of all time.

'Conquest' is a cover of an old Patti Page song, now with 97% more Mexican horns and punk guitar. An additional version was recorded in Spanish, in case you're into that kind of thing. Also has new title of being the White Stripes last 'official' single. Feels good and feels bad at the same time. '300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues' and 'Catch Hell Blues' are two differing, but still good examples of the 2nd rule of 'any song ending in blues is amazing'. After the clusterfuck of bagpipes in 'St Andrew', 'Little Cream Soda' grabs you by the fucking balls and marches you around while Jack yells about how all he wanted was a cream soda and how life is/was/and will continue to be confusing. 'I'm Slowly Turning Into You' seems annoying at first with the organ, then it drops and the distorted guitar comes in and you fucking shit your pants instantly. 'Rag And Bone' is my least favorite track on the album. It's not really even that bad of a song, and apparently it was good enough to be considered a single. It's just the talking in between the verses that geek me out.

"Look at this place, it's like a maaaaaaaaansion. It's like a maaaaaaaaaaaaaasion look at all this stuff"
"OUTHOUSE, OLDFOLKSHOUSE, HOUSEFORUNWEDMOTHERS, HALFWAYHOMES, CATACOMBS"

GET BEHIND ME SATAN

More commonly known as the "Oh god what is this I don't even" entry in the White Stripes catalog. The cool title is misleading, misleading indeed.

I don't know what really happened, it just felt like they had a good thing going with a lot of hard rocking tracks mixed in with tender songs with Elephant/White Blood Cells and then for this album they were just like, 'Fuck it, let's just not even do the same thing this time' and then this happened. This used to be the album you pretend to like to get that one hipster girl to like you. Sadly, music has gotten shittier and that is not the case anymore.

TRACK LISTING

-Blue Orchid*
-The Nurse
-My Doorbell
-Forever for Her (Is Over for Me)
-Little Ghost
-The Denial Twist
-White Moon
-Instinct Blues*
-Passive Manipulation
-Take, Take, Take,
-As Ugly as I Seem
-Red Rain
-I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)

Now after that epic thing I just wrote about Icky Thump, you think I'd be able to think of something good to say about this. I've listened to the album all the way through a couple of times, and I honestly can't think of half the songs on here. It's just not that memorable. 'Blue Orchid' was the one really popular song, because what a surprise, it was more like older White Stripes stuff, and had a freaky music video. 'Instinct Blues' kept the dream alive and followed the Rule #2 by using the simple message of 'animals know to do it, why can't you?" 'My Doorbell' is fun to play when you want to annoy your roommates, housemates and parents while waiting for someone to come to your house or waiting for a package. I'm really fucking stretching for stuff to write about this album.

ELEPHANT

This is probably the most famous out and commercially successful of all the WS albums. Probably because Seven Nation Army is regarded as one of the top 10 songs of the 2000's. While looking at music reviews and information on this album. I found this excerpt about the cover art:

'In an interview with Q Magazine in 2007, Jack White said, "If you study the picture carefully, Meg and I are elephant ears in a head-on elephant. But it's a side view of an elephant, too, with the tusks leading off either side." He went on to say, "I wanted people to be staring at this album cover and then maybe two years later, having stared at it for the 500th time, to say, 'Hey, it's an elephant!' (source)

After reading this, I went and found the album art immediately and my instant response was "FFFFFFFFFFFF HE'S RIGHT." My mind was blown and my preconceived notions were shattered.

TRACK LISTING

-Seven Nation Army*
-Black Math
-There's No Home For You Here*
-I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself*
-In the Cold, Cold, Night*
-I Want to Be the Boy to Warm Your Mother's Heart
-Ball and Biscuit*
-The Hardest Button to Button*
-Little Acorns*
-Hypnotize
-The Air Near My Fingers
-Girl, You Have No Faith in Medicine*
-It's True That We Love One Another

Seven Nation Army is the elephant in the room that we don't really need to address. Well, that's not how that idiom is used, but it felt right at first. 'Ball and Biscuit' is probably the best example of what Jack White can do when he attempts to 'be blues' as some might say. 'In the Cold, Cold, Night' is probably Meg's finest non-drumming performance. It almost makes up for her face...almost. 'Little Acorns' (remember rule #1, again) tells us a touching story about a woman whose life was shit, and somehow was able to recover and get her life back on track by drawing inspiration from a squirrel. It's something that simply has to be heard and not read, because you'll be rewarded after with sweet, sweet garage rock riffs. "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself' was always a good standby for when you're feeling down, but now that I've heard the live version off the live album I don't think I could ever go back, and I usually hate live tracks. 'There's No Home For You Here' always geeks me out because at one point Jack just explodes and lists all of the stupid things that his jilted lover does that annoys him.

"Waking up for breakfast, Burning matches, Talking quickly, Breaking baubles, Throwing garbage, fisting asses, making passes, doing sit-ups, punching kittens, so completely stupid, just go away and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" (note: I may have changed these lyrics a little bit)

WHITE BLOOD CELLS

Sometimes I refer to ejaculate as white blood cells, seems fitting because every time I listen to first 12 tracks on this record I get impossibly ridiculously aroused and excited. It's probably the most critically acclaimed WS record.

TRACK LISTING

-Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground*

-Hotel Yorba*
-I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman*
-Fell in Love With A Girl*
-Expecting*
-Little Room
-The Union Forever*
-The Same Boy You've Always Known
-We're Going to Be Friends
-Offend in Every Way*
-I Think I Smell A Rat*
-Aluminum
-I Can't Wait

-Now Mary
-I Can Learn
-This Protector

Pretty much any album that starts off with something like the intro in 'Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground', you know you're going to be in for a good time. Although I have been told that Dead Leaves is a cover of bluegrass song (Jack and Meg did a lot of different covers over the past 13 years, so it is plausible) however, in this case, who ever said that about Dead Leaves can go fuck themselves. Hotel Yorba is the Stripes' first commercial single, written about a shitty hotel in Detroit, and is unbelievably catching for strange, inexcusable reasons. 'I'm Finding It Harder to Be A Gentleman' and 'Expecting' are two relationship challenging songs, with 'Gentleman' talking about how you even you are the world's smoothest pimp and gentleman, chances are your girl will simply not give a damn, and 'Expecting' well, is about how you're expected to do stuff. I bet you could've figured that one with out my help huh? Then there's 'Fell in Love With a Girl.' If you've ever been in love, or at least thought you were in love, or had a creepy obsession with a chick that didn't even know you existed, you listened to this song or made a reference to it at least once in your life. Again, there is a slower, more bluesier version of this song on the Under Great White Northern Lights live album, and it is pretty much life-changing. 'The Union Forever' plods along until the middle of the song where Jack White pretty much just recited half of the movie 'Citizen Kane' for no good reason, not really complaining, I was more worried that I knew it was a Citizen Kane reference the first time I heard it. I love 'Offend in Every Way' so much that I'm not even going to start talking about it because that will just up with a whole other paragraph. I feel that 'I Think I Smell a Rat' should've been in the movie 'The Departed', it just fits so well. The last 1/4 of the album is pretty much piano songs that were left out of the previous two albums for 'no good raisin'. The day that someone understands the 'no good raisin' I will suck their dick. 'We Are Going to Be Friends' will be forever known as the Napoleon Dynamite song for me from now on. Feels bad man. The Japanese version added 'Hand Springs' and their cover of 'Jolene' to the track listing, meaning that this version of the album is the greatest WS album of all time, even surpassing Icky Thump in some respects.

DE STIJL

This is definitely the most bluesy White Stripes album. There's not as many hard rocking tracks as in some of the other albums, but it doesn't reach the level of pretentiousness and didn't overstay it's welcome like Get Behind Me Satan did. Also, there is an extensive amount of slide guitar work, not that that's a bad thing either. Also, knowing how to pronounce 'De Stijl' properly and shitting on everyone who pronounces it wrong is also fun.

TRACK LISTING
-You're Pretty Good Looking (For A Girl)*

-Hello Operator*
-Little Bird
-Apple Blossom*
-I'm Bound to Pack It Up
-Death Letter*
-Sister, Do You Know My Name?
-Truth Doesn't Make a Noise*
-A Boy's Best Friend*
-Let's Build a Home
-Jumble, Jumble*
-Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?*
-Your Southern Can is Mine*

Any song that starts with the words 'you're pretty good looking, for a girl' you know it's going to be a good time. Also, 'In the Year 2525' references for the win. 'Little Bird', 'Truth Doesn't Make A Noise', 'A Boy's Best Friend' are all high points in the album where things get bluesy as fuck. 'Hello Operator' and 'Jumble, Jumble' have that garage/punk feel to it, that again, would be come a standard in the albums that would follow. Funny story about this album. The day that I downloaded it I never really checked the tagging of the tracks, because I would assume that they would all be titled and organized correctly. You can obviously tell where I'm going with this story. Half the tracks were titled wrong, so for the first two years I listened to this album I thought that Little Bird was Apple Blossom and vice-versa. One day when I was listening to it and actually paying attention to the lyrics I was like "...WAIT A FUCKING SECOND, THIS ISN'T RIGHT" Some of the tracks were forgettable in my opinion so maybe it was for the best.

THE WHITE STRIPES
This is where it all began. This is where the magic happened. This is baby-making music right here. Just look at that smug motherfucker on the album cover. He's actually really young. Almost prefer this version of Jack when compared to the versions where he's older, has a weird mustache, and wears a cowboy hat or top hat and looks like he just did a pound of blow while trying to do his best Charlie Sheen impression.

TRACK LISTING

-Jimmy the Exploder*
-Stop Breaking Down*
-The Big Three Killed My Baby*
-Suzy Lee
-Sugar Never Tasted So Good
-Wasting My Time*
-Cannon*
-Astro*
-Broken Bricks
-When I Hear My Name*
-Do
-Screwdriver
-One More Cup of Coffee
-Little People
-Slicker Drops
-St. James Infirmary Blues*
-I Fought Piranhas*

The first 3 songs explode in such a way that you swore you just heard The Stooges and MC5 having an orgy in your speakers/headphones. Then it stops and slows down, then picks up again, creating the recipe that would be following in all the other White Stripes albums we discussed, except 'Get Behind Me Satan' which is pretty much the red-headed stepchild of their discography at this point. 'One More Cup of Coffee' is a Dylan cover, 'St. James Infirmary Blues' is a Louis Armstrong cover, and 'Stop Breaking Down' is a Robert Johnson cover (THANKS BRO) Probably forgot to mention about the large number of covers in the the WS library. In my opinion, covers are fine as long as it's done well and done in respect to the original artist. There has never been a White Stripes cover where I've been, "what the fuck is he doing?" I don't know if that's because of personal bias or what, but I know I've seen my fair share of terrible, horrible offensive covers of songs. 'The Big Three Killed My Baby' which at first thought was a reference to Stalin/Churchill/Roosevelt, but apparently it's about Ford/Chrysler/General Motors. I also secretly hoped that it was a reference to the big 3 of Boston Celtics fame (Bird/Parish/McHale) and not the big 3 of Miami Heat fame. Heh...Chris Bosh...he thinks he's people...


B-SIDES AND OTHER STUFF

-Hand Springs
-Candy Cane Children
-Living With A Ghost
-Red Death at 6:14
-Jolene
-'Under Great White Northern Lights' live album (film and CD review here)

Jack White's other bands

-Solo (Farm Fly Blues) This the only real solo work that he has done. It's pretty much just a different version of Ball & Biscuit but that's definitely not a bad thing.

-The Dead Weather (albums: Sea of Cowards, Horehound) Sea of Cowards kicks the shit out of Horehound in my opinion

-The Raconteurs (albums: Broken Boy Soliders, Consolers of the Lonely) I believed that they were an okay band. When I discovered that they did a cover of Gnarls Barkley's crazy, everything bad I have ever said about the band was retracted. Christ it was fucking awesome. It was just the other day where I was thinking that someone 'good' should cover Gnarls Barkley, or even Cee-Lo, then I read about this:

You didn't think I could do a music post without posting a playlist, did you? I fucking love these things. The only I don't love is that sometimes you end up missing out on some tracks because people would rather add covers of songs from Glee instead of adding real music. It's a damn shame. So this playlist is missing some of the best songs including Little Cream Soda, Little Acorns, Ball and Biscuit, etc. I did my best to get everything on there.

So that's it. A tribute to the White Stripes in the only way that I know how. Thought about recording myself playing a medley of WS songs I know, but I don't think I'm prepared for the torment and ridicule that would await me if I posted it on Youtube.

Most good things usually come to an end, and we're never usually happy about it. There are plenty of bands that have been broken up and came back. Sometimes it's good for a band not to come back, because once they come back the same magic that was there before is usually gone. Sometimes they come back and it's the greatest thing ever to happen in the history of recorded music. What will happen from here, no one knows.

“The White Stripes do not belong to Meg and Jack anymore. The White Stripes belong to you now and you can do with it whatever you want. The beauty of art and music is that it can last forever if people want it to. Thank you for sharing this experience. Your involvement will never be lost on us and we are truly grateful.”

Sincerely,
Meg and Jack White
The White Stripes

...Fuck 'Get Behind Me Satan'

Omissions? Errors? Want to rip me a new one because of my poor, uneducated opinions? Leave a comment, let's start an internet fight.

Wobbly F*****g Bobbly

We'll get this out of the way first, this post is based on my own personal opinion, you probably hate this game, never played it, or have never even heard of it, but you know what, you might even want to play the game with me after this, because my mind and imagination is so awesome that I can make anything interesting or hilarious. Also, alcohol helps.

The good news is is that it's not a first person shooter game, because everyone born after 2001 will refer to Halo and Call of Duty as the best multiplayer games, when they've never even heard of Timesplitters. Have you played Future Perfect? I'm going to name my first born son Cortez because of that game.

Anyways, let's talk about the greatest multiplayer game of all time, WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Party Game$

(all further pictures used in this post are from IGN)

This game wins because Nintendo chose to end the word 'games' with a dollar sign. I've gone through a couple of press releases and saw that it's spelled that way, so I will now refer to the game while speaking as 'Warioware Inc, Mega Party Gamedollarsign'

First off, you know the game is going to be amazing when the opening cinematic is a Japanese guy jerking it to the game's logo on his TV from the safety of his own living room.

Yes, you heard me right. Masturbation? In my video games?

Well, he's technically scratching his ass, but any male who has ever masturbated ever in the history of mankind knows that if you're lying that way, and moving your arm in that fashion and position, you're masturbating. NO ONE SCRATCHES THEIR ASS LIKE THAT, NOT EVEN THE GAYS.

The 2nd best part of the opening cinematic is that Nintendo designed like 10-15 different opening cinematic for this game that are randomly chosen and played every time you start up the game or access the title screen. So when you start the game up, you might not see the guy getting his strokes in before dinner.

I remember the first time me and my group of friends saw that cinematic that day, we were all freshmen in high school so to see someone jerking it was new and exciting to us. We had to go through 20 different cinematic before we were able to see it again and we laughed just as hard the 2nd, 3rd, 25th time we saw it. Any time a new person joined the group to play the game with us, we had to sit through and wait until we found the 'Jap guy jerking it' opening and it was never, ever worth the hype that we made it out to be.

"Can we just play the fucking game now?"
"Naw dude you gotta see this it's fucking hilari-GOD FUCKING DAMNNIT WARIO JUST SHOW IT TO ME"
(finally happens after 10 minutes)
"That's it? Are you kidding me? We're no longer friends"

So this game is basically two games in one. The first game a shitty port of the original WarioWare game for Game Boy Advance (which is still definitely one of the best GBA games ever, prove me wrong). Here's a brief description of how to play the game (as taken from Wikipedia) so that way I don't provide a long-winded story and get sidetracked

"Collections of short, simple games ("microgames") presented in quick succession. Each of these microgames lasts about three to five seconds and must be completed, or else a life will be lost. For example, there is a microgame where the player must zap a spaceship; in another, Wario must collect coins in a Pac-Man-like maze. The numerous microgames are linked together randomly and steadily increase in speed and difficulty as the player progresses. On each level, players are allowed three losses only. Boss games appear frequently; the player must complete these to regain a lost life (with a maximum of four)"

So there's about 200+ different games in which you have to figure out shit fast in order not to lose. It's basically a puzzle game with OCD + ADHD and has an obsession with Japanese culture and Nintendo games.

The only aspect where the Gamecube version fails and I say it's a shitty port because they replaced all of the individual art styles for each level and character and tossed them out the window and replaced them with an ugly boombox shell. They also took almost all of the extra features that were unlocked through playing the games and getting high scores. Which is a fucking shame because most of those games were amazing.

I mean, have you ever played Paper Plane? That shit puts any iPod/Pad app to shame with its simple, yet addictive gameplay. Think of it like Doodle Jump, except you're steering a paper airplane's descent until you crash. Ambient music plays in the background as the speed slowly increases point by point. It goes so fast that you start to lose control, your turns get a little bit wider, you don't know which way is left or right anymore. Did you blink? You're already dead.

The amount of points you get also doubles as a measurement of how many sexual partners you will have in your lifetime.

That was one out of a million features in a Game Boy Advance game that sold for $30 back in the day. People will pay Apple $2.99 to play a game just like Paper Plane on their $299 iPhone that will be obsolete in a year. What a fucking world we live in.

Okay, now that I'm done having my Paper Plane solodolocirclejerk, I'll get back to the best part of the WW:MPG$, which is the multiplayer suite.

First off, the game makes you create a profile for every new person playing the game, which consists of your name condensed into 5 letters and your gender. The reason this is important because depending on the gender you picked, and when you win a game, the game will refer to you as 'Big' or 'Lil'. So if I said I was a male, I would be Big RG, if I was a female (which I often which I was, (lol jk)) I would be Lil' RG. What this basically means is you can be Big/Lil' penis, balls, dick, scrote, vag, vulva, boobs, poop, shit etc. If you put any of these names you are automatically exiled from the game by your peers for being a pervert. We are playing a video game, not having an gay orgy at Satan's house.

There are several different multiplayer modes in this suite. Ranging from average, to mind-blowing, skull-fucking, anal-breaching, chaotic greatness. I'll provide a brief description of the lesser modes before getting into the good stuff.

Jimmy's Survival Fever - A basic survival mode. You and up to 3 buddies see how many microgames you can complete before you physically/mentally shit the bed because of how blindingly fast it goes after like 15 microgames.

I've always assumed the the crowds were clones of Mr. Game & Watch. He was so badass in Melee/Brawl

Wario's Outta My Way - An ass-backwards survival mode. One person tries to complete as many microgames as possible while 1-3 other people try to block your vision/shatter your concentration by using their on-screen avatars to distract you. The repetitive character sounds and longevity of the game make it sub-par compared to other modes.

Can you see anything? TOUGH SHIT FAGGOT.

Orbulon's Fucking Penis-Head Flashlight Game - A cooperative game to balance out all of the soul and mind raping competitive play. One player tries to complete microgames while the other 1-3 players use flashlights to illuminate the screen. This does not work very well 99.999993% of the time. I don't know what my highest score is in that. It's probably like 5.

I didn't include a picture of this game. Fuck that shit that game is terrible.

Dr. Crygor's Balloon Burst Game -This is another simple game as well. You and up to 3 other people take turns completing microgames while the other people mash the A button in order to pump a balloon until it explodes. Whoever is under the balloon while it explodes loses and everyone else wins. Which is pretty shitty. You would think after the balloon explodes that that person would be eliminated and the remaining would play on until there was only one left. Dr. Crygor says 'Fuck that'. When he creates balloons, he makes them so that they can retain so much air/water/semen that when it bursts, the explosion is so large that anything within a 10 mile radius is instantly raped then killed.

(no caption needed, surprisingly (additional text in parentheses))

Dribble & Spitz's BINGO. IN. SPAAAAAACE - This game is somewhat difficult to understand but once you get it you realize how long it take to play a full round of this. I'm not even going to bother explaining it. Here's a youtube video of two guys playing. Definitely not the strongest game.

9-Volt's e-Reader card game - First off, this game actually references and uses (in-game) the e-Reader peripheral released for the GBA back in 2002. I actually have a pretty complete set of e-Reader cards that I'm sort of proud of, but that's basically being proud of having a mild case of herpes instead of a severe case.

Anyways, in this game, you and up to 3 friends take turns drawing e-Reader cards of microgames and adding them to a pile until someone draws the card that forces to play all of the microgame cards drawn in the pile. If the person completes all the games, they win those cards and they are added to their own personal pile. If the person loses, all of the cards that were drawn and their personal pile cards are placed in the discard pile, and whoever is able to clear a sequence of cards gets all the cards that were drawn and whatever's in the discard pile. Whoever has the most cards once all the cards are gone wins.

ALSO, AS IF YOU WEREN'T CONFUSED ENOUGH, while the person is playing the series of games, the other players move their on-screen avatars to each others' piles of cards because you can steal cards one by one if your timing is good enough. This is where the game gets tricky. Alliances are formed and broken. Friendships are pushed and tested. The words 'Jew' and 'Fucker' are thrown about.

If there are cards left over at the end and no one has drawn a 'play' card. Everyone competes in a 4-player microgame, which are the easily the best part of this entire game (and will be covered later on in this post)

You don't need to be able to read Japanese to know that some serious mental warfare is going on

Mona's Listen to the Doctor - This is where shit starts to get real interesting. This is where the game breaks the 4th wall and tries to incorporate the actual physical beings playing the game into the game. It's kind of like the whole Kinect thing on Xbox, except at this point in time everyone already knew it was a gimmick. That being said, you have to play this game with a open0minded group of people, or better yet, drunks. Playing this with people who aren't familiar with WarioWare or not fond of you will earn you a trip on the Knuckle Train to Fist Planet

You and up to 4 friends visit a doctor's office where the doctor looks like something ripped out of Crank Yankers. Yayyyyyyy, I like spaghetti. He takes each of you into his office one by one and asks to you to complete a microgame while performing a random task in physical reality. Examples include:

'While winking
'While standing on one leg'
'While reciting the alphabet backwards'
'While inserting your ring finger in your dog's anus'

Then after you have completed the game, it is up to your peers to determine whether you completed the game up to the doctor's standards and you vote by mashing the shit out of the A button as a group, which I affectionately refer to as 'getting claps'. Getting no claps is easily the most detrimental thing that can happen to your self esteem, and it will happen to you eventually. It is best to prepare for rejection now.

Your group may make up unspoken rules about voting and performing the tasks. For example, taking your turn too seriously and clearing the game perfectly while doing the task perfectly and then gloating about it after will earn you no claps, don't be such an egotistical prick. Making any sort of Billy Joel reference will earn you no claps, don't you ever let your lover see the stranger in yourself. Complaining about getting no claps will earn you...no claps.

Then, after a few rounds, the game calculates who is the winner based on claps. Although this process has been proven to be fucked up, because if everyone gets no claps the whole fucking game, the game randomly chooses a winner. That's some sort of wizardry and dark magic there.

And then last but certainly not least,
The be-all, end-all mode.
Wobbly. Fucking. Bobbly.

Any conflict can be solved by a game of Wobbly Bobbly. Wobbly Bobbly can create friendship and love and breed hate and violence. Chuck Norris doesn't play Wobbly Bobbly, he re-enacts it in real-life with Saxton Hale and two of their closest friends using real turtles and guns. Wobbly Bobbly is the ultimate test of testicular fortitude and vaginal integrity.

A game of Wobbly Bobbly begins with you and up to 3 of your friends waiting on your own individual turtle. Only 4 can play at the same time, everyone else that wants to play must bask in its greatness until it is their turn to play. Once everyone is ready, the multiplayer microgame begins.

Whoever wins the round, gets a chance to play one of the 200-something microgames. If that person completes the microgame, all opposing players get an extra turtle added to their stack. IF the person fails the microgame, they recieve a smaller turtle as punishment. May God have mercy on your soul if you end up with a small turtle.

After turtles have been added, they flip over and the players must balance on their stacks of turtles for 10 seconds. If the player falls off their stack of turtles, they are eliminated and become a turtle. Once you become a turtle, you can run around between the remaining players' stacks and try to knock them off. As a turtle, you are also allowed to play in the multiplayer games, and if you win, everyone else remaining gets a turtle. So the last person standing on their stack of turtles is the winner and becomes "Grandmaster of the Universe For All Eternity"

Here's a full video of Wobbly Bobbly in action. It's in Spanish too, so it's even better

As mentioned before, these mulitplayer microgames are easily the highlight of the entire WarioWare disc. They are like microgames but have been expanded a little bit to allow for 4 people to play at the same time. There are 16 different games:

1.) Tease the Cat - Use what I assume is a tampon on a stick to wake up a sleeping cat. You flail on the Control Stick wildly until the cat wakes up and picks one. You can either making a poking motion or wave it side to side like you're a windshield wiper. Keep in mind there's up to 4 flailing tampons going at the same time. It's quite a sight to behold but goddamn is it weird looking.

2.) Don't Get Sucked Up By Her Nose - You and your friends assume the roles of small creatures known as "Freds" and your goal is to survive as a giant Japanese anime girl uses huge boogers to suck you up and destroy the ground you're walking on. As the platform grows smaller and smaller as it is eroded away by boogers, you and your friends jockey for position and pray for death to come quickly or not at all. If this isn't fetish material I don't know what is.

3.) Pick The Rotating Nose - A nose sits in the middle screen and rotates at varying speeds. You and your friends have your own individual hands with two fingers extended that you have to fit in the nose. Each failed attempt makes the nose go slower, so basically if you miss the person next to you will win.

4.) Jump Rope - Pretty simple premise. 2-4 people take turns jumping rope until 1 person is left. This game has to potential from lighthearted fun to SHIT IS GETTING REAL SERIOUS, RIGHT NOW, in seconds. There are two other modded versions of this game that are actually part of the multiplayer suite of games.

5.) Pick A Chicken - Everyone picks a chicken that they think will lay a golden egg. I always pick the smallest one because I'm convinced that one of these days that it will lay a golden egg that is proportionally larger than its actual body. Science will cease to exist after that happens

Fuck science

6.)Find the Nest Egg - The worse game. Everyone has a pointer and you pick various spots in a room trying to find a 'nest egg', whatever the fuck that means. Apparently a nest egg is a large sum of money, fuck me right? First one to find the large sum of money wins. I hate this game because I never win

7.) Get The Money- Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all. Everyone plays as a poorly drawn human being. A single dollar (indeterminate amount) bill falls from the top of the screen and everyone scrambles to catch it. You can jump on each others' heads and prevent people from moving by trapping them in the corners. This one usually ends in physical violence off-screen.

8.) Crawling Competition - An intense game whenever one knows what they're doing. Everyone plays as a man dressed in karate/Judo clothes. In order to reach the trophy in the middle, you must pull yourself across the mat by tapping A in the most ridiculous pattern known to man. If you tap A to fast, your guy just flails around like a Magikarp OD'd on speed. If you tap A too slowly, your guy crawls like a centimeter in the right direction. The best way to describe this is like it's racing turtles, except you have control over the outcome depending on your performance and the turtles are actually Asian men.

9.)Stop the Alarm Clock - An alarm clock with a creepy face on it rests in the middle of the screen. Each player has a hand ready to stop it once it goes off, because the first one to catch it wins. Shouting like an idiot to make your friends prematurely launch their hands is encouraged and will happen in at least one play through with me.

10.) Slingshot Bucket - Everyone has a slingshot which you use to knock down a tin can in the middle of the screen. Basically whoever discovers the perfect pattern to holding/shooting wins the game.

The can is blue so that means RED IS FUCKED

11.) Stopwatch Rally - Everyone's holding a stopwatch. The game tells you what time it wants you to stop the stopwatch at. The closest person to the set time wins. The same rule about shouting for the alarm clock game also applies here. Fuck the police.

Idk whether it's supposed to be peer (p-err) or peer (pier)

12.) Shot Put - Everyone lines up to see who can shot put the farthest. If you fail hard enough you can throw the ball backward instead of forward and no one in your group will ever let you live it down. Ever.

13.) Ballerina Maze Navigation - Everyone is a ballerina hoping to pirouette their way through a dark maze. The paths are only illuminated by moving around. First one to get to the door in the middle wins

14.) Catch The Fly - Everybody mashes A in hopes that they catch a fly in their chopsticks. It basically ends up being more luck than skill or dexterity.

15.) Find the Idol - Everybody takes turn trying to find a Japanese 'idol' hiding in a pile of what I assume is pubes. It's Japanese. I'm probably right.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

16.) Don't Touch Me - I put this one last because its' the best one out of all the games. Everyone plays as a weird rabbit looking creature. Your goal is to avoid the giant female weird looking rabbit creature and be the last one standing. The area that you stand in gets gradually smaller and smaller as the female rabbit goes around trying to get you out. If you get touched, EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY IS RAPED The optimal way to play this is with this Busta Rhymes' 'Dont Touch Me' remix playing in the background, full blast.

DON'T TOUCH ME NIGGA (YOU MIGHT BURN YOURSELF)

There are 3 other notable modes left in the WarioWare multiplayer suite.

4 Player Jump Forever - You and 3 other people jump rope together to see how many times you jump in a row before that one friend that you have that's a little bit slower than the rest of the group fucks up

One Controller Jump Forever - You and up to 15 (yeah, 16 fucking people total) take turns jumping rope and who ever is the last one standing is Champion of Jump Rope and is allowed to have sex with the two hottest women in a 20 mile radius of this event.

One Controller Survivor - You and up to 15 people take turning passing the controller and completing microgames and who ever the last person standing wins. Much like One Controller Jump Rope, everything gets fucking compromised by that one asshole who holds the controller for too long, whether it be by accident or on purpose and fucks someone up. Not like that's happened to me or anything. Not like that's the story of my fucking life, or anything.

YEAH, SO THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME RIGHT. GOOD THING THERE'S ONE MORE THING THAT I LEFT OUT

WAIT, THERE'S STILL MORE TO THIS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

THERE'S SOMETHING BETTER THAN WOBBLY BOBBLY?

YEAH, THERE IS

I GOT 3 WORDS FOR YOU
PAPER. PLANE. RACE.

THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS. YOU AND 3 OTHER FRIENDS CAN LIVE THE PAPER PLANE DREAM TOGETHER. WELL YOU'RE NOT REALLY LIVING THE DREAM, YOU'RE RACING TO SEE WHO HAS THE BIGGEST DICK OUT OF EVERYONE. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK IS MEASURED BY A GAME WHERE YOU RACE PAPER PLANES. IT'S LIKE THAT SONG WHERE THEY FLY LIKE PAPER AND GET HIGH LIKE PLANES. JUST LIKE JESSE JAMES WHEN I'M SITTING ON TRAINS. FUCK THAT'S AWESOME.



A GAME LIKE THIS AWESOME SHOULD HAVE THOUSANDS, NO MILLIONS OF VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE OF PEOPLE RACING EACH OTHER, BUT ALAS, THERE'S ONLY ONE. THAT'S A FUCKING TRAVESTY. IT'S ALL IN FUCKING JAPANESE TOO. JAPANESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY PLANES, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF PEARL HARBOR? THE JAPANESE WEREN'T "KAMIKAZE" THAT'S FUCKING HORSESHIT, THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FLY PLANES AND THEY JUST CRASHED INTO BOATS ON ACCIDENT. I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN ASIAN PERSON DRIVE A CAR. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT. POLICE ARE TOO BUSY TRYING TO ARREST DRUNK DRIVERS WHEN THEY SHOULD BE ARRESTING OLD ASIAN WOMEN DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY BECAUSE THEY ARE THE GREATER THREAT.

Yeah, I really don't know how to follow something like that. Post's done...?

UNUSUAL BUCKAROOS HAT

GUESS WHAT, I'M TRYING TO MAKE A COMEBACK

WHAT IS THIS, LIKE THE 5-6TH TIME YOU'VE TRIED TO COME BACK AND MAINTAIN THIS? FUCK YOU, I DO WHAT I WANT (also, this thing is probably the closest thing that I've made that can go into any sort of portfolio as proof that I can write/design)

I figure where it's a new year I can do what pretty much everyone does around this time and START A RESOLUTION. I'M GONNA CHANGE THIS YEAR. LET'S TURN THIS LIFE AROUND. And then like everyone else just give up on my resolution like 3 weeks in.

Anyways, look for some format changes coming soon and the following planned blog posts. I can say that they're planned because I've already started writing bits for each ones.

-A Tribute to One of the Greatest Multiplayer games of all time (you'll have to wait to find out what game it is)

-2010 Music in Review ~Won't probably be too exciting because I'm not as hipster/indie/faggot enough to listen to as much music as some people, so it will probably end up just as me talking about how much music sucks and how much hipster/indie music people suck, that's funny, right?

-2010 Video Games in Review ~ Since I made poor life choices and ended up with more spare time on my hands than I thought, this will probably the longest and most thorough post. I plan on covering Minecraft, Red Dead Redemption, TF2 updates, Wii shit, taking a huge dump on Black Ops, etc.

-Expect a rant or two once classes start going and I end up in a lecture where people are just ridiculous

-I also plan on undertaking a musical project which is a secret to everyone. The only thing that I can tell you that if I have success with FL Studio and Audacity, it will be epic and it will be called "Good Time in the Cave of Bad Dreams". If everything works out like the voices and sounds in my head tell me it will, it will make you cum from your ears, if you're into that kind of thing.

Blog Updates For January 19th 2011
*Link maintenance (added new links, removed Myspace, lol dying websites)
*Updated playlist (because I still believe that people use it, part of my 'self-esteem masturbation' technique. Also somehow, someway, Airplanes Pt2 got in there and I was fucking furious)
*Earthbound text box (probably going to delete/change bc having an IQ stat of 39 makes me feel/look retarded)

Be like the squirrel, Girl

I'm slowly driving myself crazy and school hasn't even started yet (spoilers, I can't go this semester). If I'm left alone with no friends, family, girlfriend, videogames, or music, I sit here and drive myself crazy with thoughts of how much I've really fucked up certain things in my life and how much of a lazy shit I am. So this post is pretty much an attempt to distract myself.

I feel like this blog isn't reaching it's full potential. My goal is simple. I basically want to be the next Seanbaby, but without the shitty hair, transvestite girlfriend. and without this whole new old comic editing thing he's got going on with cracked.com. He used to be the shit when he wrote for EGM. He was able to express how terrible something was by using pop culture references and a wide vocabulary of words I'm not even sure he knew what they meant. I basically want my blog to be like his website, but a shitload better orgainzed and with better content. Seriously, going on that frontpage almost gave me epilepsy, so many words and links and so little organization. And I thought some of the shit I wrote about was obscure, on that website I don't even know what half the shit he's talking about is.

As far as the blog layout goes, I always get a ton of ideas and try to put something together in photoshop, but I either get frustrated and give up, or fall asleep and completely forget about it and it lurks as a .psd on my hard drive until I delete in a fit of rage trying to make room for new music and porn.

I wanted to expand upon this Mega Man thing but got frustrated when I had no idea how to pixelate stuff. Now that I have that knowledge, all of the scraps of stuff I could work off are gone. Same can be said for the guitar layout. It's not so much the skills problem as it is a technology problem. The programs and hardware I'm working with make things just a little bit more difficult, making epic ideas in my head turn into something much akin to a Christian Weston Chandler comic about a Pikachu/Sonic the Hedgehog hybrid.

(Insert Sonichu picture here)

Shit, if I had a decent place to set up a camera or was able to overcome the crippling fear and embarrassment of having people take pictures of me you would see amazing works of art with my fucking ugly face everywhere. It's not so much having people take pictures, it's just asking someone to take a picture to have them be like 'why the fuck am I doing this, this is fucking stupid, you're gay'

Now I'm not like asking people to take pictures of my dick or of me women's clothing. Look at my twitter background. You have no idea how long it took me to get that picture lined up by myself. I had to move all the furniture around and take pictures off the wall in my fucking basement. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING TRIPOD AT THIS POINT IN TIME GODDAMN. I stacked fucking game cases and dvds until I got the proper height. My fucking self timer only went to 10 seconds. It's pretty much a miracle that that picture came out the way it did. That's why after like 3 years I still hold onto it and keep it around. I just fucking changed my facebook default back to that pic. Feels good man.

Then sometimes I feel like this blog is pretty good and that some of the stuff is pretty funny, but no one knows that it exists. I feel guilty just fucking spamming the fuck out of everyone that I know through every form of social networking just to get someone to recognize what I did. It's like being a kid and taking a shit and squawking until your parents take a look at it and give you a pat on the head or some shit.

Is this what I'm supposed to overcome to get more visitors/fans/friends? The fear of rejection and somehow not feeling like a needy attention whore? I've been a victim of someone's spam when all they've done is try to is promote their stuff. I felt bad but the rate at which that shit was flying at me was enough to make even the stalwart of bloggers shit their pants. I don't want anymore invites from the MCP telling me to be a fan of 'Becoming the Internet' I don't even know what the fuck that means. We used to be tight man, what happened? (I miss you DjDTM)

END OF LINE

tl;dr, I want to make this blog better but lack the technology and motivation, and the balls to promote and get noticed. Also, I want to learn to play the guitar well enough to the point where I can just post covers of my favorite songs on youtube and have random teeange girls and other faggots post comments on my channel. Pretty hard to learn how to play guitar starting with no previous musical knowledge. You can even hold music, it's just there in the air.

We're lucky that I scraped what I was typing before and made it into a psuedo-rant. I think I've almost learned from my mistakes. Things are looking up

Unassisted Fisting with SqurmTheWorm

So it's been a year that I've been on Twitter. Again, I just want to boast and brag that I managed to get 1000 tweets in exactly 365 days. It has been a wild ride and my ego is somewhat still intact. I don't have nearly as many followers as I thought I would. Also, there's not nearly as many people that I went to high school with, nor people that I work with, nor family members trying to message me about Farmville. so that puts it way over Facebook for sure.

I'm kind of stuck on how to get followers without spamming the shit of random people, because UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, I have the common courtesy to not just talk about myself all the time and promote shit and products on twitter. I mean, that's what personal websites and blogs are for, right? I want to have a group of random people with similar opinions and laugh at the same stupid shit that I do.

Anyways, here's a small series of segments that were really hard to write transitions for:

Notable Events and Developments in My Life Since I Joined Twitter
-Obtained 7 cavities then got 7 cavities filled
-Got suspended from school, again?
-Vacationed in FL, twice
-By a technicality, lost my job, then, technically, got a new one
-Discovered an unquenchable thirst for Samuel Adams or cheap tequila mixed with Mt. Dew
-Realized that facebook should only be used as a litmus test to discover who the real retards are in the small group of people that I have known or met in my short time on Earth.

Pointless Twitter Stats for RG_Prime (as of 8/10/2010)

-14 followers (fluctuates around this area but hasn't gotten over 17, yet)

-26 following (fluctuates depending how much stupid shit/spam/ads you post)

-174 tweets w/ pictures (from Twitpic, yfrog eat my dick)

-9 of RG's tweets that have been retweeted by other users

-22 tweets pertaining to #musicmonday or #nowplaying (I have slowly grown out of that phase)

-0% progress made on trying to figure out what the fuck a twitter list is

************************************************************************
Here's an unofficial list of Twitter etiquette that is frowned upon. Seriously, this shit has the potential to ruin twitter for everyone, then we'll have another Facebook where everyone is just shitting in everyone's mouth all the time.

1.)#makingreallylongridiculoushashtagsseriouslythatshitisannoyingandyourenotfunnysmartorinventivegofuckyourself
Seriously, when they invented cuneiform writing they even had spaces so it would be easier to read, and your hash tag isn't going to catch on and trend unless you live in the projects and everyone there is posting at the same time.

2.)Connecting your twitter account with your facebook account. If you have enough time to maintain two accounts, you should have enough time and brainpower to think of 2 different statuses.

3.)Posting tweets from your phone is fine, getting mobile updates to your phone is terrible, and knowing that someone is getting your tweets on their phone is creppy, stop making me feel conscientious.

4.)Tweeting anything about Justin Beiber, Jonas, Miley, Selena, Demi, Adam Lambert, Your account should be de-activated as soon as those words are submitted. It's okay to like the music or artist or whatever, it's not alright to shit up twitter for the other millions of users that have to ability to think for themselves

5.)Don't ever refer to the Soldier as 'solly', because you look like a fucking idiot. Solly has the same amount of syllables as 'soldier', so it's not an abbreviation. It's not a term of endearment. The soldier is fucking deranged and he would fucking do unspeakable things to you if you ever referred to him as 'solly' in real life. Unless it's a farm

**********************************************************************

Here's a collection of my favorite tweets over the past year. Keep in mind that these are all of my own tweets, because the majority of people that I follow aren't as hilarious as I am but I still love most of them anyways. It might be egotistical, but at least I'm not @kanyewest. I was following him for exactly 15 minutes until I was like 'Fuck it, I'm done". I was waiting for something along the lines of

kanyewest just ate mad TacoBell and I have to shit #ITSAPROCESS

I'm posting that to my twitter right now. If I get a RT or a follow or anything out of the ordinary I might shit my pants. Now here's my choice tweets with some commentary. You might find a gem you didn't see before.

'Watching 50 First Dates and Dan Ackroyd just claimed that he had the largest penis of any land mammal. Undisputable fact?'

Pretty much true talk true story right there. When I was younger I would commonly get Dan Ackroyd and Bill Murray, along with all of the actors from Ghostbusters confused, including the black guy and Rick Moranis.

'I don't trade-in books. Waiting for a Fahrenheit 451 alternate universe where all books are burned. Better than getting $40 for a $120 book'

This was that one time I tried to demonstrate that I have range and that I sometimes know things other than shitty music, sports and videogames buy throwing out a reference to one of the only works of literature I have read in my own free time without it being assigned to me. Anyone who has ever purchased and tried to re-sell a book on a college campus would rather be persecuted and had all their personal belongs burned.

'I still don't understand 'vocal ejaculations'. Does that mean they happen when you don't want them to? Oh god I'm so fucked for this midterm'

So far in my lifetime I have taken a college course entitled 'World Music Cultures' twice. So when I fucked up and had to take a 2nd time I tried to pay better attention then I did before, but the high school freshmen that's still trapped inside of me thought that the use of the word 'ejaculations' was still hilarious when taken out of sexual context. I still got a B on the midterm the 2nd time around though.

'I wish that the ending of 'Piggies' would play whenever I climaxed'

Have you ever listened to Piggies? I would hope so. Shit's fucking majestic, dawg.

Under Great (White) Northern Lights

If you've ever paid attention to my behavior when it comes to me and music, you'll notice that I go through phases.

-Remember when I use to cream my pants at the mere mention of Rise Against? What the fuck is a Rise Against? Is this some sort of Rage Against the Machine cover band?

-Remember when I was getting pissy because people were quoting Kid Cudi lyrics on facebook and I was offended because I felt I was a 'true fan'? I woke up this morning and remembered I'm one of the whitest people ever, and that the act of me listening to a rap album can almost be considered racism.

-Remember that time I was obsessed with Justin Bieber? You don't have to like him, but you have to admit that he has talent. I get SO FUCKING MAD whenever I see a 12 year old girl on Twitter post that. No, I don't have to like him, and fuck no, I don't have to admit that he has talent. As far as I know, I'm pretty sure he's never written any of his songs, half his stuff is auto-tuned to shit, and cannot play a real instrument, and any video proof of him playing is simply edited in Vegas. Prove me wrong.

Anyways, (coming around the huge rant tangent we just went on) the point is that I go through phases. One day I'll want to listen to blues/rock/metal from the 60's 70's and 80's, then I'll feel like I'm too young/old to be listening to that shit and I need to be relevant and will only listen to bands that have been formed in the 2000s. Then all of a sudden CAN I GET AN ENCORE, DO YOU WANT MORE comes on and then I'm gripping and sipping purple drank until Beastie Boys comes up and it slowly devolves back in to rock again. There is only one constant, and that is the White Stripes.

I heard Seven Nation Army when I was 14 or 15, when it first came out. When I heard that goddamn riff, I had to stop listen. Elephant would be the first legitimate musical record I would buy for myself (Weird Al doesn't count, still mad love for him though). Then when I got into my later years of high school I somehow became the stereotypical teenage angsty person based solely on my music choice alone. I had lost my way, and also, had lost my Elephant CD somewhere along the way.

Then Icky Thump came out the summer I graduated from high school. The title track alone was enough to make me shit my pants. I downloaded Icky Thump and put it on my iPod. I think I listened to at least one track from that CD at least once a day for the entire freshman year of college. I also discovered the wonders of torrents shortly after and instantly downloaded the entire White Stripes discography. Extensive listening of White Blood Cells and De Stijl have brought me here to you today.

Everyone has their reasons for liking a certain band. I'm not going to go into why I like the White Stripes, but instead here's a short list.

-It sounds like blues fucking metal in the ass with a whammy pedal and punk sits in the corner jerking off with a plastic bag over his head
-Jack White and Meg White were actually married, but they divorced for no good raisin and Jack tried to convince everyone that they were brother and sister
-Jack White played Elvis in that terrible Dewey Cox movie
-Meg has huge tits

Anyways, during their tour to promote Icky Thump, Meg White suffered anxiety attacks and they canceled everything, and then somehow disbanded. Leave it to a woman to mess up a good thing. It's probably more Jack's fault that anything, going and forming like 30 different bands, but if he came to my house to play Pokemon with me, I wouldn't hate him.
So we got two Raconteurs and two Dead Weather albums over the past 3 years, but this year, we actually got White Stripes material...well...old material at least. Under Great White Northern Lights is a live album and film documentary of their 2007 Canadian tour. Here's a unbiased review/summary of it.

FILM REVIEW

When Jack and Meg decided to tour Canada, they wanted to play a concert in every province. It's sort of like the plot to the movie or something.

The movie starts off with a small Canadian town all in a tizzy because they heard there was going to be a White Stripes concert. The title cards roll. Then it cuts to a stage with a full band setup, "The One Note Show" comes on screen. A limo pulls up and roadies in fedoras and suits get out. Yes, Jack White makes his roadies where fedoras and suits. Jack and Meg get out and take their instruments. They play exactly one note, then leave their instruments. We've just officialy played in every territory and province in Canada, takes a bow, then make like trees and get the fuck out.

The rest of the movie consists of live concert footage and interviews with Jack, and Meg with interruptions from Jack. It's awesome to see them in action on-stage especially when he jumps between playing guitar and keyboards on stage, plus Meg's bouncing something-or-others which we'll get into in more detail later.

At one point during the film they go into a montage of all the impromptu shows that they go. My favorite one starts off with a kid being interviewed. He says he heard the White Stripes were going to be playing in his town. But no one knows where the fuck it's at.

Next scene: Jack, Meg, and a roadie are just floating on the back of a boat in the river, full concert setup, just playing. Keep in mind was filmed before 'I'm on a Boat' was recorded, so it's okay for me to say LOOK AT ME I'M ON A GODDAMN BOAT. Here's some other memorable moments:

-I'm in a goddamn sawmill. Fuck yes you are the best Arena map ever
-I'm on a goddamn bus singing The Wheels on the Bus
-I'm visiting a bunch of ancient Inuit elders and performing a song about infidelity and red-headed women. I'm pretty sure the woman sitting next to Meg suffered a stroke, or maybe I was shaking because I was too busy touching myself every time I saw Meg's chest.

Meg doesn't say a goddamn thing for the first 30 minutes of the movie. They get off a plane from the Yukon and meet with the mayor of some province no one really gives a shit about. The mayor proceeds to tell them a story about how he went hunting and how one ox killed another ox because it had gotten shot and showed signs of weakness. Jack was like, "Well, shit, if you get attacked, Meg, and you appear weak, I'm going to kill you." and Meg was like "I'll keep that in mind" and even then they had to put subtitles so you could understand, like most of the stuff she says throughout the whole movie. At one point Jack White says it best:

"Randy Newman said short people got no reason to live? Shit. He must never met a quiet person." - Jack Goddamn White

Other Meg shenanigans included Jack poking her with a stick to the rhythm to Little Cream Soda, which I laughed at more than I should have. Also, in an interview, Jack pretty much forces her to state in front of the camera that she is 'just quiet, that's all' and that Jack does not interrupt or talk over her. I have a feeling that they had a conversation like that behind closed doors where Jack beat the shit out of her for speaking without permission.

There was also a part after a show that they did, where Meg says something, but Jack can't hear it and he asks her to repeat it. She doesn't repeat it and he goes into a fucking rant about how she never repeats things when people or cameras ask her too. I found this to be a humorous depiction of EVERY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN EVER. You know that bitch didn't want to repeat it to prove that Jack is some sort of asshole and doesn't listen to her. Fucking women, how do they work?

All shitting on Meg aside, I would legitimately shit on Meg's chest if you know what I mean. I will admit that her face could use a little help, but GOD. DAMN. TITS. Holy shit. The majority of the movie is just her bouncing up and down as she plays the drums, her tits and hair flying everywhere, and it's awesome until she's not playing and she's just sitting there or passed out on a couch with a cigarette in her mouth. Smoking is kind of a major turn-off for me, but after 2 hours of her bouncing up and down to fucking sweet jams I want her put out the cigarette in my eye as she strangles me with her legs while I jerk myself off with one hand and stick her drumsticks in my ass with the other.

DAT GLENGARRY BONNET

Protip: I already know that her face is kind of busted. She doesn't need a face for a things I want to do to her. That's why George Washington Carver invented paper bags in 1959. So as far as a film goes, Under Great White Northern Lights is a quality band documentary with humor and emotion to satisfy people who aren't really fans of the White Stripes.

CD REVIEW

As far as the CD goes, if you like the White Stripes you will like at least a few renditions of the songs that they recorded. In my opinion, hearing it live gives it more of a garage band feel, which is okay by me. I highly recommend watching the film first before listening because you just might come out with a better appreciation for the performance in question.

My personal favorites were I'm Slowly Turning Into You because of the crazy fucking organ, and I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself because he seemed more into then when he recorded the song for Elephant where the music video was just Kate Moss pole dancing. It seems more intimate because he yells a lot of the stuff. I'm not a fan of singing along at concerts, but somehow singing 'I just don't know what to do with myself' feels right. Also, a slowed down, more blues-y version of Fell in Love With A Girl is EVERY BIT AS EPIC as it sounds.

The only thing that bothers me is Jack's weird addition to the spoken part of The Union Forever. Who knew that the trick to making a lot of money is wanting to make a lot of money? I didn't.

RECOMMENDED TRACKS:

Let's Shake Hands
The Union Forever
Ball and Biscuit
Icky Thump
I'm Slowly Turning Into You
Jolene
300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues
I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself
Fell In Love With a Girl
Seven Nation Army