Under Great (White) Northern Lights

If you've ever paid attention to my behavior when it comes to me and music, you'll notice that I go through phases.

-Remember when I use to cream my pants at the mere mention of Rise Against? What the fuck is a Rise Against? Is this some sort of Rage Against the Machine cover band?

-Remember when I was getting pissy because people were quoting Kid Cudi lyrics on facebook and I was offended because I felt I was a 'true fan'? I woke up this morning and remembered I'm one of the whitest people ever, and that the act of me listening to a rap album can almost be considered racism.

-Remember that time I was obsessed with Justin Bieber? You don't have to like him, but you have to admit that he has talent. I get SO FUCKING MAD whenever I see a 12 year old girl on Twitter post that. No, I don't have to like him, and fuck no, I don't have to admit that he has talent. As far as I know, I'm pretty sure he's never written any of his songs, half his stuff is auto-tuned to shit, and cannot play a real instrument, and any video proof of him playing is simply edited in Vegas. Prove me wrong.

Anyways, (coming around the huge rant tangent we just went on) the point is that I go through phases. One day I'll want to listen to blues/rock/metal from the 60's 70's and 80's, then I'll feel like I'm too young/old to be listening to that shit and I need to be relevant and will only listen to bands that have been formed in the 2000s. Then all of a sudden CAN I GET AN ENCORE, DO YOU WANT MORE comes on and then I'm gripping and sipping purple drank until Beastie Boys comes up and it slowly devolves back in to rock again. There is only one constant, and that is the White Stripes.

I heard Seven Nation Army when I was 14 or 15, when it first came out. When I heard that goddamn riff, I had to stop listen. Elephant would be the first legitimate musical record I would buy for myself (Weird Al doesn't count, still mad love for him though). Then when I got into my later years of high school I somehow became the stereotypical teenage angsty person based solely on my music choice alone. I had lost my way, and also, had lost my Elephant CD somewhere along the way.

Then Icky Thump came out the summer I graduated from high school. The title track alone was enough to make me shit my pants. I downloaded Icky Thump and put it on my iPod. I think I listened to at least one track from that CD at least once a day for the entire freshman year of college. I also discovered the wonders of torrents shortly after and instantly downloaded the entire White Stripes discography. Extensive listening of White Blood Cells and De Stijl have brought me here to you today.

Everyone has their reasons for liking a certain band. I'm not going to go into why I like the White Stripes, but instead here's a short list.

-It sounds like blues fucking metal in the ass with a whammy pedal and punk sits in the corner jerking off with a plastic bag over his head
-Jack White and Meg White were actually married, but they divorced for no good raisin and Jack tried to convince everyone that they were brother and sister
-Jack White played Elvis in that terrible Dewey Cox movie
-Meg has huge tits

Anyways, during their tour to promote Icky Thump, Meg White suffered anxiety attacks and they canceled everything, and then somehow disbanded. Leave it to a woman to mess up a good thing. It's probably more Jack's fault that anything, going and forming like 30 different bands, but if he came to my house to play Pokemon with me, I wouldn't hate him.
So we got two Raconteurs and two Dead Weather albums over the past 3 years, but this year, we actually got White Stripes material...well...old material at least. Under Great White Northern Lights is a live album and film documentary of their 2007 Canadian tour. Here's a unbiased review/summary of it.

FILM REVIEW

When Jack and Meg decided to tour Canada, they wanted to play a concert in every province. It's sort of like the plot to the movie or something.

The movie starts off with a small Canadian town all in a tizzy because they heard there was going to be a White Stripes concert. The title cards roll. Then it cuts to a stage with a full band setup, "The One Note Show" comes on screen. A limo pulls up and roadies in fedoras and suits get out. Yes, Jack White makes his roadies where fedoras and suits. Jack and Meg get out and take their instruments. They play exactly one note, then leave their instruments. We've just officialy played in every territory and province in Canada, takes a bow, then make like trees and get the fuck out.

The rest of the movie consists of live concert footage and interviews with Jack, and Meg with interruptions from Jack. It's awesome to see them in action on-stage especially when he jumps between playing guitar and keyboards on stage, plus Meg's bouncing something-or-others which we'll get into in more detail later.

At one point during the film they go into a montage of all the impromptu shows that they go. My favorite one starts off with a kid being interviewed. He says he heard the White Stripes were going to be playing in his town. But no one knows where the fuck it's at.

Next scene: Jack, Meg, and a roadie are just floating on the back of a boat in the river, full concert setup, just playing. Keep in mind was filmed before 'I'm on a Boat' was recorded, so it's okay for me to say LOOK AT ME I'M ON A GODDAMN BOAT. Here's some other memorable moments:

-I'm in a goddamn sawmill. Fuck yes you are the best Arena map ever
-I'm on a goddamn bus singing The Wheels on the Bus
-I'm visiting a bunch of ancient Inuit elders and performing a song about infidelity and red-headed women. I'm pretty sure the woman sitting next to Meg suffered a stroke, or maybe I was shaking because I was too busy touching myself every time I saw Meg's chest.

Meg doesn't say a goddamn thing for the first 30 minutes of the movie. They get off a plane from the Yukon and meet with the mayor of some province no one really gives a shit about. The mayor proceeds to tell them a story about how he went hunting and how one ox killed another ox because it had gotten shot and showed signs of weakness. Jack was like, "Well, shit, if you get attacked, Meg, and you appear weak, I'm going to kill you." and Meg was like "I'll keep that in mind" and even then they had to put subtitles so you could understand, like most of the stuff she says throughout the whole movie. At one point Jack White says it best:

"Randy Newman said short people got no reason to live? Shit. He must never met a quiet person." - Jack Goddamn White

Other Meg shenanigans included Jack poking her with a stick to the rhythm to Little Cream Soda, which I laughed at more than I should have. Also, in an interview, Jack pretty much forces her to state in front of the camera that she is 'just quiet, that's all' and that Jack does not interrupt or talk over her. I have a feeling that they had a conversation like that behind closed doors where Jack beat the shit out of her for speaking without permission.

There was also a part after a show that they did, where Meg says something, but Jack can't hear it and he asks her to repeat it. She doesn't repeat it and he goes into a fucking rant about how she never repeats things when people or cameras ask her too. I found this to be a humorous depiction of EVERY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN EVER. You know that bitch didn't want to repeat it to prove that Jack is some sort of asshole and doesn't listen to her. Fucking women, how do they work?

All shitting on Meg aside, I would legitimately shit on Meg's chest if you know what I mean. I will admit that her face could use a little help, but GOD. DAMN. TITS. Holy shit. The majority of the movie is just her bouncing up and down as she plays the drums, her tits and hair flying everywhere, and it's awesome until she's not playing and she's just sitting there or passed out on a couch with a cigarette in her mouth. Smoking is kind of a major turn-off for me, but after 2 hours of her bouncing up and down to fucking sweet jams I want her put out the cigarette in my eye as she strangles me with her legs while I jerk myself off with one hand and stick her drumsticks in my ass with the other.

DAT GLENGARRY BONNET

Protip: I already know that her face is kind of busted. She doesn't need a face for a things I want to do to her. That's why George Washington Carver invented paper bags in 1959. So as far as a film goes, Under Great White Northern Lights is a quality band documentary with humor and emotion to satisfy people who aren't really fans of the White Stripes.

CD REVIEW

As far as the CD goes, if you like the White Stripes you will like at least a few renditions of the songs that they recorded. In my opinion, hearing it live gives it more of a garage band feel, which is okay by me. I highly recommend watching the film first before listening because you just might come out with a better appreciation for the performance in question.

My personal favorites were I'm Slowly Turning Into You because of the crazy fucking organ, and I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself because he seemed more into then when he recorded the song for Elephant where the music video was just Kate Moss pole dancing. It seems more intimate because he yells a lot of the stuff. I'm not a fan of singing along at concerts, but somehow singing 'I just don't know what to do with myself' feels right. Also, a slowed down, more blues-y version of Fell in Love With A Girl is EVERY BIT AS EPIC as it sounds.

The only thing that bothers me is Jack's weird addition to the spoken part of The Union Forever. Who knew that the trick to making a lot of money is wanting to make a lot of money? I didn't.

RECOMMENDED TRACKS:

Let's Shake Hands
The Union Forever
Ball and Biscuit
Icky Thump
I'm Slowly Turning Into You
Jolene
300 MPH Torrential Outpour Blues
I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself
Fell In Love With a Girl
Seven Nation Army