2009: In Retrospect (Part 1?)

More shit has happened to me in the past week than pretty much the entire year for me.

• got my face raped by my dentist, then got raped with an $800 bill
• wrote a 37 page content analysis in 6 hours
• lost my job at TJ Maxx, but offered severance or the option to transfer to another store
  
• had one of my tires explode when I was driving on the highway, changed a tire in 12 degree weather, got raped for a new pair of tires for $200
• got 5 more games for my N64 collection
• watched Inglourious Basterds 3 times.
  
• ate 2 Domino's Three Cheese Mac N Cheese Breadbowls (look up the calories, shit your pants)

I didn't even get to play Team Fortress 2 since the update, as far as I know I think I'm still trying to download the update on my laptop and the new PC sitting in my basement. No swords and boots for me.

Aside from getting some sort of crazy stomach disease and having my spring break ruined by surgery, and getting suspending from school but getting back in, nothing has really happened this year. I already wrote up my music review for the year, and I'm coming off the tail end of my Beatles faze (I think I listened to fuckin' LOVELY RITA METER MAID like 5 times one day, bassline is fucking dirty) and going into that Daft Punk faze that everyone seems to go into when they're in high school (bleep bloop bleep these beats are about me, I can hear colors and see sounds)

What the fuck was I talking about. Oh yeah, I was reading my old posts from this year and saw some very glaring contradictions and other questionable content that I feel needs explaining, it's not like I need to study for my finals or anything.

Awhile ago, I did a post about Summer Movies 2009. I did a screen grab of something I read:


I remember all the hype for Bruno. It was supposed to be greater than Borat, The Beatles, and Jesus coming together forming a band and calling it Them Crooked Vultures. I knew that there was going to be a lot of questionable content, but I was not compared for the mental ass-raping I was about to receive. I was pretty much done with the love slave scene with the treadmill with the dildo attached to it. That was like 5 minutes in. And then after the fucking penis swinging around like a helicopter I was like "FUCK THIS SHIT." I didn't walk out, because I'm sure as fuck not walking about of a building I paid $10 to sit in.

I will admit that there were some pretty funny scenes. The only time I may have smiled was at the very end when Elton John was sitting on a Mexican. I went with a couple of friends and some people I went to high school with. Every once in a while they would look over and say something like "RG is not amused" and they couldn't be more right, needless to say they were in stitches pretty much the whole time. I mean I've seen and laughed at some pretty fucked up, wrong and evil shit, but I guess this was just too hardcore for me.

I didn't get to see Public Enemies but it is sitting on my hard drive as I type this so I'm going to give it a go even though people pretty much dump on it all the time. I saw Harry Potter 6 to quell the 12 year old child in me and to see Dumbledore die, even though the depiction in my mind when I read the book was far more fantastical than the scene in the movie. the Also, I can't wait for Transformers 3: Megan Fox Deepthroats A Giant Metal Banana in Slow Motion. Shit will be so wumbo. Day 1 viewing for me.

I also saw The Time Traveller's Wife with my girlfriend against my will, and questioned the validity of the movie, novel, and took the time to re-evaluate my life and my relationship. I saw Eric Bana's bare ass like 7 times. Apparently if you have a disease where you involuntarily time-travel at random moments and appear in a different time period naked, you can in-turn have sex with a chick, cum inside, and if she's not on the patch/pill and gets pregnant, DON'T WORRY, you're going to disappear into the future/past, AND, the fetus is just going to time-travel as well. Imagine this: a fucking dead fetus just randomly appear on your table as you're sitting in a lecture at school or doing your taxes or jerking off or something. Fresh from the womb, without killing the mother. I'm pretty sure that's how biology/anatomy works but I haven't actually finished a college level science course in the 3 years I've been in school.

I also had to attend a viewing of The Twilight Saga: New Moon with my girlfriend. I don't have want to go off on another extreme tangent because I can write an entire fucking book about Twilight

I also saw Inglourious Basterds when it was in theaters too. Best movie I've seen in awhile, the only complaint is the subtitles (WARNING, OLD MEME REFERENCE) yo dawg, we herd you like subtitles so we put subtitles in your subtitles so you can read while you read (END REFERENCE). Right now I'm downloading the hell out of Watchmen and District 9 and I'm hoping I won't be disappointed.

I guess Brittany Murphy died. They're saying it's drug related or something. If anyone is seriously, seriously upset over her death and you're not a family member or friend, you need to fu-.....wait, you know what? It's almost Christmas, if you know someone who is seriously distraught of Brittany Murphy's death, give them, yourself, and everyone they know an early Christmas present and check them into the nearest mental hospital tonight, so that way they don't ruin the rest of the holidays. I don't mention Hanukkah because I am really pissed at the ridiculous amount of people returning Hanukkah gifts to TJ Maxx.

But yeah, the whole Brittany Murphy thing got me thinking about the ridiculous amount of famous and important people that have died in the year 2009. I looked at a random list of celebrities that have died and I laughed, leading me back to my point:

I mean I've seen and laughed at some pretty fucked up, wrong and evil shit, but I guess this was just too hardcore for me.

The fact that I laughed at "Cause of Death: Anal Cancer" pretty much guarantees that I am either going to die of anal cancer or my child is going to come out retarded as sin (or the fetus will travel back in time) And the fact that Mike Tyson's young daughter was killed on a treadmill, which has essentially ruined America's Funniest Home Videos, because now they have to remove all the videos of people playing around on treadmills because they're not politically correct. I don't even think Mike Tyson is taking himself seriously anymore after The Hangover. I even saw him on Saturday Night Live the other night.

On another note, is okay for me to laugh and somewhat enjoy these newer episodes of Saturday Night Live? I was brought up with the ideal that Saturday Night Live will never be what it used to be, but some of these skits have made me laugh, (especially Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals) but then again there is a staggering amount of sketches that make me upset upon viewing. I think the latter require you to be either pants-shitting drunk or taking some serious drugs. I am so confused.

The last point of the night is pretty much the freshest topic in the freshest and most relevant post I have ever made ever. My girlfriend makes me watch a lot of stuff that I don't necessarily want to watch, but I do it anyways because I love her (100% no bullshit), plus she knows that there are some shows that I will absolutely not watch. Jersey Shore being the newest one. Brace for daily dose of Snooki. (having problems at 3 am posting the GIF of her getting punched so here's a placeholder image)But she has been keeping up with the newest season of Survivor that just ended tonight, and I only missed the first few episodes so I'm pretty much up to speed. All I want to say is that Russell Hantz is fucking badass and should have won the whole game.

Here's the tl;dr version of Russell's epic tale. He's an oil company owner, so he has money. His goal is just to fool the shit out of everybody in the entire game through mental and physical manipulation. On the first day he goes up to everyone in the tribe and tells them that (the individual) and him are going to the final two. AND EVERYONE BELIEVES HIM. He said that he was in Hurricane Katrina, THAT'S NOT EVEN FAIR KATRINA JOKES ARE STILL 'TOO SOON.' Then he goes around causing havoc (letting the chickens loose, emptying water canteens, burning socks) and then other people get blamed, he tells them to vote them out, and then they're gone.The two tribes merge, he goes and tells everyone else in the other tribe that they have a deal, they don't believe him, they try to vote him out, he fucking pulls out the hidden immunity idol and some random bitch gets sent packing. He goes and finds like two other immunity idols that are hidden throughout the game. He literally just runs through the woods fucking breaking trees and throwing rocks and shit finding them. He gets to the end of the game, with two other people from his original tribe who have pretty much done jackshit the entire game. He goes before the jury and he was like, yeah, I fucking played the game like a fucking champion and I deserve to win. I don't even want the money I just want to be declared the winner. All the other people that got voted off were too fucking butthurt and voted for the stupid blonde bitch that did the least out of everyone the whole game.

FUCKING TRAVESTY.

It reminds me of that one time I had to watch Big Brother and a really really similiar situation happened. (WARNING, OLD, OVERUSED MEME REFERENCE #2)
(END REFERENCE #2)
Fucking Jordan, all you did was literally/metaphorically suck Jeff's dick the whole time.

TECHNOTRONICS

Also, on a more serious note. Big things are in the works for this blog. I'm working on video content, which will be from youtube but there will be about 7 million links to here. My first video is estimated date Jan 1st 2010, as a part of my New Deal (with 70% less FDR in a wheelchair) After New Year's, my life is either going to go one of two ways.

1.) I'm going to stay in school and take classes that are relevant to what I want to do, transfer to another store and keep making money, and be happy

-or-

2.) I'm going to get kicked out of school and take a break for awhile. My parents will be really really pissed and I'm probably going to have to move out. There's going to be some emo posts mixed in with the standard quality posts, and I will become an alcoholic.

It's pretty much two separate options, and probably more serious than I'm taking it/making it out to be now.

Say hi to your mother for me okay?