Facebook/Twitter Rant Part 2: The Reckoning: A Prequel in Time

When you were young and thought you'd start a facebook,

You used to say live and let be
(you know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But in this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry,
Say live and let die

At least I think how the song goes. I don't understand why Paul McCartney would decide to cover that Guns N' Roses song anyways, he must be running out of the money he got when he was in The Beach Boys. He should just take money from his son Jesse McCartney, he seems to be doing pretty good, but then he might end up trying to get in the spotlight again like Billy Ray Cyrus did with Miley Cyrus.

Now that I feel like I'm going to have a stroke from typing that statement, let's rant about facebook and Twitter some more.

I'm going to start by discussing one of the staples of facebook culture: The cell phone numbers group. You know, I think it's fucking great that you got a new phone or Blackberry, and I'm sure everyone else is really happy for you too. But what I want to know, is if when you had your old phone, I'm sure you had a contact list full of people, so before you fucking explode or eat your old phone, why not take the time to text your new number to all of your contacts, instead of making a FUCKING FACEBOOK GROUP JUST TO ASK FOR TELEPHONE NUMBERS. YOU WOULD SAVE SO MUCH FUCKING TIME. People complain all the time about getting prank calls or texts and they have no idea how it happens. When you post your fucking phone number on facebook, anyone can fucking read it. Don't be a fucking retard.

These groups have always been on facebook for as long as I remember, and I don't actually think anyone, even the person that started the group, uses/collects the numbers, and the group just sits there untouched. I know that this isn't what facebook is supposed to be used for, but I also know that somewhere that the creators of facebook are laughing about it on their money-powered flying yacht made out of diamonds.

I just want to say something real quick. Let it be known that Farmville is the best facebook/browser game out there. If you play any other variation of this game, whether it's Fishville, CafeWorldVille, Anusville, whatever, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself and get on the Farmville train, even though Epic Chef Wars sounds and looks cool, it's actually terrible. As long as you hide/delete all of your old Farmville posts from your news feed, and send me gifts that I actually need, I will not hate you and you will be credit to team.

Good googly moogly, is that a Mad Duck? Damn skippy it is! Fuck that Noose Man shit, Mad Duck makes him look like a Boy Scout

Amidst the game/browser spam there is a new phenomenon that is sweeping the facebook nation and invading news feeds and notifications near you. It is known by many names, but most people know it as Social Interview. When you allow Social Interview to access your profile information and friends list, it not only steals your social security number, you are presented questions about your friends. They are mostly your standard run-of-the-mill questions that you answer akin to a myspace survey or some other queer shit. Here are some questions from my first session.

• What do you think (name) is doing right now? --A: jerking off
  
• Who do you think is (name's) hero? --A: Spider-Man, the answer is always Spider-Man
  
• What do you think (name) does when he/she is bored? --A: jerk off
  
• What does (name) want for Christmas? --A: it's fucking January, jerk off
  

Most of the questions can be answered with a yes or no, or if you prefer, short or long, or if you're a bad enough dude, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn"
Now the catch is when you answer these questions, the question and your response get published on that person's news feed for everyone to see. Now I don't really have anything wrong with this application, especially if you have friends that type inside jokes for the answers, the problem for me is that there is a retarded amount of people using this application, and all the people that answer my questions are people that I never talk to or haven't seen since high school. It creates a stalker-ish vibe. I had one person that answered a couple questions about be that fell under this category. And it wasn't a person where I was like "hahah, that's funny, I should start talking to this person again", then again, I can't say that for 97% of the people I went to school with, I wasn't the most social person in high school mostly because I thought everyone was fucking retarded. You get tired of people after being forced to interact for like 12 years. I'M A LONER BEAR THAT DON'T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED.

But this person I went to school must have had some sort of fond memory of me and felt compelled to answer the question about me, and publish it so I could see it. I don't even remember what the question was because I deleted it so fast, but I know that the answer that they typed was 'I don't know, lol'

Of all the things you could fucking type and publish, you type and publish 'I don't know lol'. Someone asks you a question in real life and you say 'I don't know lol' they generally avoid you because they think you're not capable of forming logical thoughts. You write 'I don't know lol' on a test, you fucking fail and get kicked out of school. You answer a question about Ryan Greene with 'I don't know lol' and he'll get FUCKING PISSED.

I'M NOT LAUGHING OUT LOUD YOU FAGGOT. BUT IF I WAS LAUGHING, I'D BE LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID ENOUGH TO ANSWER A QUESTION WITH I DON'T KNOW LOL, THEN PUBLISH IT TO MY NEWS FEED SO I CAN SEE YOUR FUCKING ABORTION OF AN ANSWER ON MY PAGE. HIT THE FUCKING SKIP BUTTON AND MOVE ON, DON'T WASTE MY TIME.

YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL

Better than the movie when Samuel L. Jackson said it.

Sometimes I get excited when I see a notification on my page since I don't really get a lot of them. Then when I click it I see "(name) posted something on your wall" with the fucking speech bubble icons next to it I just get fucking pissed like I just did. The only thing that makes it better, and by better, I mean worse, is that Social Interview has updated it's program to include questions of pictures of you and your friends, and allows you to post the question/answer on the picture as a comment. So you'll be like "Oh someone commented on my picture? That's nice" and then you go to click it and the comment says.

SocialInterview.com asked me "If you had to give this photo a caption, what would it be?" I answered "I don't know lol"

Fuck.

They've also added the feature to include questions about music. So there's probably a question like "What does (name) listen to while taking a dump?" My answer would either be "I don't know lol" or Steely Dan. FUCK YEAR, KID CHARLEMAGNE.

And for some reason, facebook thought it would be a good idea to have more than one Social Interview app. They all essentially do the same thing, but they have different names and icons. I can't even come up with some random excuse as to how this works or happens. I just don't know anymore. There is no God.

If there was a God, he would be able to tell you who and how many people were looking at your profile. There is a startling amount of people joining groups or adding applications that will allow them to know who is looking at their profile. I believe that facebook denies programs to access that type of information and I don't think the internet was covered in the Patriot Act so we're good.

To be honest with you, I don't even really want to know who is looking at my profile for two reasons. 1.) I would probably be disappointed with how many people ARE NOT looking at my profile, and 2.) "What the fuck is (name) doing looking at my facebook profile 10,000 times? I probably wouldn't leave my home if something like that happened.

If you're a chick who wants to know how many sketchy dudes are looking at your profile and your pictures, then maybe you shouldn't have added them as friends. And maybe you shouldn't post so many pictures of yourself in small, tight outfits or swim apparel. Stop being such a fucking slut and don't post shit on the internet if you don't want people to see it, because dudes you went to high school with are probably jerking off to your pictures RIGHT. NOW. Because nothing is sacred and the world is just too fucked up.

If anything, half these girls that are trying to view this information just want to see how many guys think they are hott, with two t's, so they can get some sort of self-satisfaction or self-esteem boost from it. I'm hot shit, guys want to fuck me, but it will never make up for the fact that my mother abandoned me when I was 8 and my dad molested me when I was 15, and that I'm fucking dumber than 40% of the people posting on Twitter"

Fuck, I feel dirty for typing that. I also feel really really bad, but then I just go play Xbox and everything's okay.

And I'm sorry, but half the people that post on Twitter are fucking dumb as shit. Not to long ago, it was scientifically proven that about 40% of tweets consisted of non-nonsensical gibberish (source: The Maxim issue with Ashley Greene on it). Also, I just learned that it is spelled gibberish and not jibberish. I think I've figured out what the problem is, and you can too. All you have to do is look at the people posting under trending topics. Almost all of the people I see posting under there are very.....'urban'....I'm going to use the term urban as opposed to more racial terms in order to protect myself. Here's a screencap from the trending topic #soyoumadnow. I know I'm fucking mad now.

If you're not viewing my Twitter in 1400x900 then you're not viewing it at all, lolol

So 40% of Twitter is just like what I've posted above. The other 59% of Twitter is advertising and spam, and that leaves 1% of intelligent posts. That doesn't stop me from uploading from random pics from my phone and the internet and rambling on about random shit that actually makes sense. I also advertise my blog whenever a make a new post. Have you done your part to help make Twitter better? I don't think so.

I'm done, I'll leave you with a txt I got on my phone last night.

(508): Posting excerpts from Texts from Last Night as your facebook status or Twitter post is not funny nor is it interesting, and is in fact, an infringement of the copyright laws on textsfromlastnight.com. Enjoy getting your ass raped in prison for plagiarism

I'm in the process of adding some new music too. If it's not showing up, refresh or wait 30 minutes