The Eye of the Storm

I guess we're halfway through this Winter gaming shitstorm that fell upon us. I wrote small reviews and ranted about the games I've played in the past month and a half. School starts up again for me rather early this semester, and I'm not looking forward to it at all. There will be an increase in pointless tweets and facebook statuses, and hopefully, blog posts, because a lot of my time will be spent in the commuter cafe instead of in my basement playing the vidya or at my gf's howse drinking and watching TV. Fair warning, there might be spoilers, nothing major though.

Assassin's Creed 2

I never actually finished the first Assassin's Creed, so with the over-arching storyline between this game and the first one, I don't really know what's going on. When I played the first one (I made it to the 4th assassination), it was pretty much, leave, ride horse, scholar-blend into the city, climb all the towers, rescue all the citizens, assassinate the target, make like a tree and get the fuck out, and return, then repeat 9 times. The sequel is definitely not the same, and everything has been improved, except for the fucking ability to combo kill someone.

I'm not really sure how to describe this game for the most part, so I will just give you my interpretation of the first 3 DNA sequences in the game. Possible spoilers?
Fuck year, Lucy. Why is she covered in blood? AW SHIT, GETTING IN THE ANIMUS, AGAIN. I guess there was a lot of exposed cleavage during the Renaissance or some shit, why do I have to watch a baby being born? PRESS B TO MOVE YOUR BABY LEGS. What the fuck is this shit. I guess we're already done with the Animus. Now we're running through this futuristic building that reminds me somewhat of the Enter the Matrix game. "What is the plural of Animus?" I GUESS WE WILL NEVER KNOW. Holy shit this real-life hand to hand fighting system is terrible, why can't I just use a sword like when I was an assassin? (skipping a whole bunch of futuristic storyline bullshit and snarky British guy)

So I guess I don't get to be an assassin right away, but no one finds it suspicious that the Italian Johnny Depp is just running around on the rooftops like fucking Spider-Man or some shit. Aw shit, he's gonna get some action now. Press B to take off her shirt? WAT. Press Y to INTERACT? WAT. Oh he just blows out the candles, both literally and metaphorically. But I guess that's not as bad as your own mother saying "I'm sure you have other outlets to express yourself, like vaginas" I felt violated after hearing that.

Oh hay, it's Leonardo Da Vinci, except everyone thinks he's a loser and batshit insane. Also, we had to write a 3 page biography about how he was gay? Do you care? You actually read all the fucking text that they throw at you?

UH-OH SHIT IS GETTING REAL NOW, YOUR DAD AND YOUR BROTHERS HAVE BEEN SET UP. I guess we can let you have the Assassin's clothes now so you can rescue them. OH WAIT, THEY'VE BEEN HUNG FOR TREASON. Time to kill some bitches. But first, you have to learn how to pay off prostitutes to distract guards. PROSTITUTES GET SHIT DONE. Get revenge, flee city, get ambushed, get saved by uncle. Then he says "It's-a me, Mario" blahblahblah TEMPLARS blahblahblah VENGEANCE blahblahblah YO DAWG, WE HERD YOU LIKED HIDDEN BLADES, SO WE PUT A HIDDEN BLADE WITH YOUR HIDDEN BLADE SO YOU CAN STAB WHILE YOU STAB.

Proof or it didn't happen

Left 4 Dead 2Left 4 Dead was a great game with the exception that it's physically impossible for me to have friends that cooperate with me during the game. Left 4 Dead 2, much like Assassin's Creed 2 or any good sequel, took everything from the first game and fixed it or made it better, with the exception of adding Rochelle. The campaigns are much more exciting than the first ones. For example, running through a corn field only to have 5 goddamn witches standing in front of the safe room. The melee weapons allow for a more effective way to get out of a pile of zombies after some fuck face shoots a boomer or a car alarm, and I now use only the crowbar because I accept my FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES. Since Valve is fucking awesome, they've decided to add an expansion pack/DLC featuring the original survivors and new campaigns, so we can all get our Zoey fix and be happy again.

The only complaint I have, and it's not really a problem with the game, is that whenever I go to finish a campaign with people, chances are 2 or 3 people going to get incapped/killed right before the rescue vehicle. Now if it's an AI-controlled character I could give a shit less, but there have been at least 3 different occasions where I've been incapped right in front of the rescue vehicle, and my Human-controlled teammates just fucking leave me there on the ground and leave. Scavenge was a great addition, if only 70% of Live users were not retarded and fucking helped each other up.

"OKAY GUYS, THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO, TWO PEOPLE ARE GONNA GO UP THE STAIRS AN-Oh, you already left the safe zone, great, FUCK IT, STUN AND RUN"

Then next thing you know, the enemy team only needs 1 gas can to win and you get vote-kicked because you were incapped for no good raisin. If you go all the to the way to the top of the Mall Atrium right off the bat, YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOUR ANUS SHATTERED. Someone is going to get Jockey'd and taken off the fucking 3rd floor of the mall and killed, someone is going to get pounded by a Charger so hard that their hymen is going to reform and bust again, and the spitter is going to spit all over the dropped gas cans cuz they spit hot fiyah.

In memory of : RG Pr1m3. Ellis' face gets me every time

Batman Arkham Asylum

If I could describe this game by using another game as an analogy. This game is pretty much Resident Evil 4/5 except Batman just punches the shit out of everything. The combat is a little bit weird though, as Batman fucking moves around like Metaknight fucking Sonic in the ass sometimes, and if you miss one punch while mashing the buttons you've completely fucked your combo, and you get no XP. I thought the entire game would take place in these small metal corridors until I realized that I was just in Intensive Treatment and there was a whole fucking island to explore.

The game also involves a lot more cognitive reasoning apparently or I guess I'm just stupid. There are parts of the game called Riddler Challenges, where you have to scan some shit to solve some riddles. Most of them are optional, but you need to solve the very first one in order to progress in the game. So it went:

"Don't cut yourself on this sharply observed portrait"

I knew that I was looking for a picture of the warden of Arkham, Warren Sharp, but I could not find the fucking painting. It got to the point where even the game was frustrated and The Riddler was shouting the answer in Batman's ear. "WARDEN SHARP, THE PAINTING, GET IT?" The game had to highlight the picture for me, which was apparently right next to the door that was supposed to unlock. My face was pretty much like:

FUCK ME I GUESS I'M FUCKING RETARDED.

It's one of the reasons why I stopped playing the game. It fucking hurt my feelings. I got out of Intensive Treatment and got to the part where people were hitting the Batmobile with baseball bats then stopped to play all my other games, work, and be a man. I'll probably go back and play after I finish Assassin's Creed II because I will just get the controls fucked up just like when I play Modern Warfare 2 with Left 4 Dead.

I also got Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection, in which I learned that in some cases, nostalgia often give way to blinding and crippling rage. I could pretty much write a whole new post simply on my experiences of the game. (Do it? Y/N?)

I got New Super Mario Bros Wii as well, which might as well be called New Super Grab 'N' Toss Your Friends In Fucking Lava Wii. I did invent a new drinking game though, take a shot every time someone jumps on your head and you fall in a hole. Your whole group will die of alcohol poisoning on like World 1-3. I'm on the fucking diesel Bowser Castle in World 8, and I have to go back and get all the Star Coins in Worlds 2-8 in order to become a real man.

Next up on my list:

• Bayonetta - out as I type this
  
• No More Heroes: Desperate Struggle - end of January
  
• Bioshock 2: Sea of Dreams - Beginning of February
  
• Pokemon Soul Silver - Spring?
  

I'm pretty sure I'm the only person not giving a fuck about Final Fantasy XXXXXXXXVIVI in March. I don't think half the people in the world would give a fuck if it wasn't being released on the 360 this time. LOOK INTO YOUR HEART YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.