You might want to read though, to make yourself feel better, to quote something stupid that I might type so you can ridicule me for years to come. That's enticing to you, right?
It feels like I've hit a wall. Well, it feels like I hit a wall like 3 years ago, and somehow the flaming wreckage of my car is still rolling on, like some sort of bizarre Burnout-esque crash that goes on for entirely too long, except instead of sparks and scraps of metal flying everywhere it's just my money burning and decomposing and everyone, including myself, asking, 'What the fuck am I doing?'
There are exactly 2 days of classes left for me in what should be my Junior year in college. That is if I did everything different. Right now, I'm technically a sophomore (credit-wise), but I've gone to school for 3 years. I'm now a full year behind the people I graduated high school with. Now to some people that isn't a big deal, sometimes shit happens.
Right now I'm sitting trying to finish a paper for a class that I've already taken. I'm retaking it because I decided I was too fucking awesome to attend class the first time, and then when I actually got sick and required surgery, no one fucking believed me and I still got a D for the class, combined with the 3 C's from the other classes which put my GPA just low enough for the school to send me a letter that basically said "Don't come back"
I was able to write an appeal saying I was sick, and I got back in. Then I worked to get my GPA back up. I got it up a little bit better than what it was, which brings me to this current semester. I decided to re-take the class again to boost my GPA, but half-way through, I decided I was too fucking awesome to go to class because I already had the notes and gotten B's on all the tests and quizzes. Now I have to write a paper that's already a day late, and then once the teacher takes away points off my final grades for attendance, I'll have a C or maybe even another fucking D instead of a B that it calculates out to.
If you take a class, and you get decent grades on all of the assignments, but get points taken away from your final grade for attendance, you automatically get a lower grade lower than what your assignments averaged out to be. You don't need to have a degree to see that that is fucking ridiculous. I know that the obvious solution is 'Well, maybe you should go to class' Would you go to the class if you've already taken it and your notes from last year match up perfectly? Fuck you if you said you would. I didn't go because I needed the sleep. It's not like I get to sleep on the weekends because I've worked almost every weekend in the past 3 years, combined I haven't sleep through a night in about 3 years now, thanks to terrible sleeping habits, and living with my parents where my dad has a ridiculous snoring problem that he refuses to get checked out.
I know that there are plenty of people that have terrible sleeping habits, or are fucking insomniacs and they'd still be able do what I was supposed to do, but I'm not one of those people, I'm not good enough
So that first class is just the tip of the iceberg.
I have an Intro to IT class, in which the professor is foreign and is just really difficult to understand, and has a lot of weird policies listed in his syllabus. I don't know what any of my grades are because he never explained his grading system, so I've never known what my standing is that class. It's basically just going to be a big fucking surprise with my other grade.
My third class is called "Introduction to the Internet, Graphics and Multimedia'. It's basically a Adobe Flash/Photoshop class. It's a requirement for a minor, which I hoped to get into. About halfway through the semester when we got to the Photoshop portion I decided I was too good for something I already know and stopped going and would turn in the assignments online. She changed all the due dates and now I don't have credit for anything. I am in the process of recreating the last few assignments and passing them in my 'e-Portfolio' which is supposed to be a website made with Flash. Mine looks pretty good, probably light years better of anybody else's in my class. If she accepts it, then I should get a B. If not then I don't know what happens.
This is what I have so far. the rest of the content pages just need to be filled in. The Mega Man sprite runs just like at the top of this blog, and the Energy Tank only appears when you mouse over the various options, and yes, those are dynamic scrolling text boxes. The background is plain but for now it's fucking awesome The only thing that I'm not worried about is my studio class, which is the equivalent of a high school art class, which should be a high B, maybe even an A if she likes my final project enough.
So it can go two ways. Everything works out for me in the end, and I just keep going, and I go for an extra year, I'm paying about $10,000 less a year than a lot of people I know going to different schools so it's okay.
If anyone of those classes is a C or lower, I'm not quite sure what happens. I'm pretty sure I don't get into my major and minor, and probably get suspended. If that's the case, I'm not appealing right away. I'm not going back right now. Apparently there's no point in me going if I can't even wake up and go to class everyday. I'm just wasting everyone's time, and I guess more importantly, my own money.
I think even if the grades are alright, I still don't get into my major/minor, but it's okay because the classes that I have picked for next year will help me out.
So there's a chance that everything will be alright, and sometimes it works out. It's just when it gets down to the end like this I get really stressed out and apprehensive. And right now it just seems like this time it's really going to end badly. All this stuff is just going through my head all the time.
I have several things that I try to do to get my minds off things. I play video games, I press my luck and try to get laid. I jerk off when I don't get laid. I write in my blog (time paradox?), I listen to music, I sleep. I've even tried getting wicked fucking drunk so I wouldn't have to think about it, but then I usually up either throwing up or freaking out even worse than I am now.
I just can't stop thinking about why I can't drag myself out of bed everyday to go class, why I can't just do what thousands of people before me have done. I keep trying to tell myself that I shouldn't have gone to school right away, I wasn't ready, that I didn't want to go right away.
It was about this time 3 years ago when high school was just about coming to a close and I needed to decide what school I want to go to.
I didn't fill out any of my college applications, my parents filled them out and sent them away. I got into 6 or 7 schools but they were all MA state schools, nothing special. I had toured a couple of the schools and was happy with what I saw. I didn't really think about it too much. I didn't care
I had stopped caring about school at like 10th grade, where I became burnt out between working every weekend (but I was happy to be making money), and being involved in sports teams, along with the Honors classes workload. That can take a toll on some people. Sure, there are some people that have done what I did and fucking owned it, but as I discovered, I am not one of those people apparently.
Basically, between my parents and school, I was raised thinking that it was my ultimate goal to graduate from college. I have lived the past 10 years of my life thinking that I need to graduate from college and get a job in order to be happy. So that was my choice, I didn't really think about it, I also chose to do it so I wouldn't have to listen to:
'Why didn't you go to school?'
'You don't want to go to school? What are you going to do with your life then?'
'(Insert Name Here) went to school and they're having a great time'
The same old bullshit that every parent says. In my case, my parents never went to college, they both graduated from the same tech school. My dad has been working at the same place for almost 30 years now. My mom got lucky and found got into the operations center of the same bank she worked as a teller for when she was pregnant with me. They've never done what they expected me to do, but they heard from all the other parents that this is what they need to do, they heard the same force-fed stuff that you need to go to college to make money. I'm not saying that the whole 'degree = more money" thing is not true, it's statistically proven.
So I chose to go to uMass Dartmouth because one of my closer friends in high school was going there, and we could room together and it would be wicked awesome bro time adventures all the time. Then I realized that living on campus fucking sucks balls. So I decided to go to my current school. I applied after my first semester at UMD and got a letter that said I wasn't accepted. So I had to take a spring semester at UMD and then re-apply. I got in. Over the summer when I went to orientation I learned that only a few of my credits carried over. So I basically took a huge step back. Then everything that I already mentioned happened (getting sick, probation, ejection, comeback, etc)
So this whole thing has happened because I didn't stop to think seriously about going to college. Is it my own fault, or is it because of things that had happened to me?
That's what I'm convinced it comes down to, one of those two reasons. Was it just because I wasn't good enough, that I gave up and settled for something less? Or that I have some sort of chemical imbalance that causes me to think and do certain things? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? Do I need to seek professional help?
I like to think that most of those things are out of my control. Whenever I think I have some sort of disease or disorder I get really freaked out. I check WebMD for symptoms and stuff and I read it and I'm like, oh shit I have fucking leukemia . I think everyone does that. When people go to see doctors or psychiatrists they automatically believe whatever they say because they are trained professionals. If I were to show or say all this to a psychiatrist, who knows what he would fucking say, and then I'd end up on some medication. I don't want that. I think I know what's wrong with me.
Then when I say that, that's when it becomes less about me and more about the people and things around me. I try to connect events from my childhood and past and claim those are the reasons for why I do the things I do.
When I was younger I specifically remember my mother telling me that it was my fault that my parents were unhappy with my marriage when they would fight. Or when I did something wrong that it was my fault and I can't blame anyone else, or when I lied, I was a terrible person for lying. I feel like that leads to my lower self-esteem. I usually claim that everything is my fault. I've been called a liar so many times by so many people that I sometimes don't know if I'm telling the truth or making something up.
Growing up I lived in a neighborhood with a bunch of kids that were all the same age as me and we all went to the same school and we were all friends up until a certain point. Once we got into the 8th grade and beyond all my friends were trying to do the cool thing and act older than we really were, imitating the high school kids, sneaking beers, smoking pot. I didn't do any of that. I didn't care. I wanted to do what I thought was fun, which was playing basketball and videogames and stuff.
All those kids that I hung out with didn't want anything to do with me anymore. If they did it was because they were high and they just wanted to play videogames at my house because I always had the current games. I felt left out. I felt shunned and neglected. They started saying stuff to me that they've never said before. It got to the point where I figured that they weren't my friends anymore. So when I got into high school I was always pretty quiet and kept to myself, which in high school was pretty much social life suicide. I found myself relating to underclassmen and other people more than those kids I grew up with. Towards the end of high school I thought I found some friends that I could relate to and hang out with, but once we went away to college all that changes
Right now I don't know if I'm better off than all my old friends or not. I know that because of when my friends showed up reeking of pot wanting to play Gamecube, but then berate me the whole time we played, I will always, always resent anyone associates with pot. My friends apparently lived what was considered 'the normal teenage life' and it feels like some sort of outcast, which is why I always resent all the people that are apparently 'normal'. You've seen the rants I've written. I get pissed.
Well that solves problems as to how I act and think, but that still doesn't explain why I can't just do what I'm supposed to do. Why can't I just go to class, why can't I just do the whole college thing like everyone else? I guess the problem is motivation, or lack thereof.
I think it's just from the people around me. My parents have had steady jobs and a source of income for 20+ years by working at the same place. I would want to live that life. They didn't have to go to college. Obviously things have changed since the 80's.
My girlfriend has graduated from school, but she hasn't gotten a job that pays the money that she's supposed to be making with a degree. She works two jobs, and she lives in a decent apartment with a fucking stupid obnoxious roommate. I would want to live that life, except I could be her roommate.
What is stopping me from doing that? I don't want to be in school, wasting money and taking classes that aren't even relevant to Visual Communications, in an institution where the professor can make the most ridiculous rules to fuck over students because they're miserable because they're a teacher at Framingham State College and not fucking Harvard. I don't want to doing that when I can just be working, which I don't mind doing, and be with my girlfriend. It's hard to be motivated when it seems like you could be doing something like that
But I guess everything isn't that simple.
The only thing that really makes me happy right now, is my girlfriend. Sometimes she drives me fucking crazy, but I know that in every relationship there are problems and fights, and in a strong relationship people always get over it. I love her because she loves me for who I am. She knows that I am a little eccentric, that I do have some problems and fears, but she still accepts me, she still wants to see me and talk to me, she wants to spend her life with me. She's one of the only people that I can share a comfortable silence with. We don't have to say anything to each other, we don't have to be doing anything, we can just sit and relax and enjoy each other's company. In a stressful situation like I've created for myself now, she is the only thing that keeps me going. So even if shit hits the fan, I feel like she will still be there for me.
Then again, I can ruin this nice moment, with the fear that she could leave me at any moment, or because I couldn't finish school, that I wouldn't be able to provide for her and support here. That I'm too young for her, or too immature, that I have too many problems with myself.
Just think, that in the time I spent typing this (2hrs, 17mins) I could've finished this paper and been in bed sleeping. That's fucked up.
I typed and published this thinking I was going to appear deep, emotional, that I'm capable of writing more than just angry rants and making references that are obscure enough to seem like I thought of it myself. I don't really know who I'm trying to show up or prove something to. I guess to myself, right? This is basically just a cry for help. After re-reading all of it, I don't know who or what can help right now.
I feel like I've gotten stronger and learned from doing stupid stuff like this. Where I've been stressed out and written stuff like this before, and everything turned out okay. Then looking back on them later and being like "Wow, that was fucking stupid, don't ever do that ever again"
Well I'm hoping that it's going to be okay. I just don't see it working out this time
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